For those of you who read the title of this article and said to yourself, “Why the hell would I ever paint a cooler?” I pathetically tell you – for a fraternity boy. At some schools, a spring fraternity formal means a trip to the beach where each boy brings a date. The date’s acceptances to the formal thus entails that she must elaborately paint a cooler and fill it with beach necessities (food and alcohol).
As bizarre as it sounds, frat formals are actually incredibly fun; and most girls would kill to get asked. However, the cooler process… that’s a whole ‘nother story.
1. Getting Asked to a Formal
Well, shit. That means I have to make a cooler, right?
Yes, I’m excited to go. No, I’m not excited to spend that much money on a cooler that you will ruin within three days. Nor am I excited to buy alcohol that will make you a douche-y, annoying, and/or an idiot.
2. Thinking of What the Hell You’re Going to Put on There
How do I make this a mix of clever, impressive, and personal?
Definitely need to put the fact that we are drinking
illegally somewhere on here.
If you’re not artistic: Pinterest, Google, and friends.
If you’re artistic: I don’t care how artistic you are. This part is dreadful.
3. Buying the Supplies
There’s too much pressure to buy the right colors, the right primer, the right brushes, etc. – Regardless, there’s a 70% chance it will look like shit.
Ok, I’ve got the cooler, five bottles of paint, primer, two brushes, and some stencils, a case of beer, sodas, and a few handles. Time to check out… ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY AM I SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS BULLSHIT?!
4. Priming It
Spray primer on.
This is getting EVERYWHERE.
It’s dripping EVERYWHERE.
Why prime it for more paint when the initial paint already looks fucked up?
Screw it – if it doesn’t last I know he’s really not going to care.
5. Starting to Paint
Why did I agree to do this?
This is horrible, and it’s going to take me forever.
Who could I pay to do this for me?
6. Mid-Painting Crisis
Ugh, no – I need this to be somewhat impressive.
7. Give Up for a While
He’ll just have to deal with it the way it is. Sorry I have more ordinary shit to do.
8. Get Back to It
I CAN DO THIS.
And yes, I’m partially motivated by how cool I heard hers was.
9. Finishing Touches
It can go two ways:
I totally made this cooler my bitch. He’s going to love this.
HA sorry, dude. You try sitting at an angle and painting articulately on a plastic box.
10. Formal (Reveal Cooler to Him)
Again, can go two ways:
Damn, this is sick!
Eh, it’s cool. Thanks. You brought the beer, right?