Music festivals are awesome…except for one thing: girls who use the entire weekend as an opportunity to pose for Instagram pictures that will ensure comments like “I’m so jeally you’re there!” These girls are easy to spot, mostly because they want to be spotted. They have delusional fantasies of getting backstage and screwing the lead singer of Third Eye Blind and generally make an amazing experience slightly less enjoyable. What I’m saying here is, for the sake of everyone, don’t be that girl.
1. That girl will get on someone’s shoulders and wave a flag so no one can see.
One of her goals for the weekend is to get on the big screen, and no amount of dirty looks is going to keep her from achieving her goals. As soon as she finally dismounts, she will thank the stranger who gave her a boost by making out with him for the remainder of the set.
2. That girl will spend the weekend experimenting with drugs for the first time.
First she’ll spend a couple hours roaming the campgrounds asking everyone, “Have you seen my friend, Molly?” When she finally “finds her,” she’ll trust the twelve people in her group to take care of her until the drugs wear off. These friends, most of whom didn’t meet her before this weekend, will be quickly be annoyed and leave her to cry in a tent by herself.
3. That girl will aggressively push her way to the front of every show.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve been standing at one stage all day waiting for your favorite band! She will elbow past you saying, “Sorry, my friends are up there.” Then when she finds her imaginary friends, she’ll quickly get bored and decide to head to another set, elbowing past you again (but only during your favorite song, don’t worry).
4. That girl will be wearing neon, crop tops, flower crowns, high-waisted shorts, and/or inappropriate footwear.
While you are wearing clothes that will essentially be thrown out when you get home or a hilarious costume, she has spent hours shopping for the perfect ensemble for each day. If she doesn’t get photographed for some minor fashion blog, she’ll probably consider the weekend a failure.
5. That girl will spend the entire time updating her Instagram and SnapChat story.
Half the reason she is here is so everyone at home can be jealous of her and she can take a new profile picture. Most people enjoy the lack of phone service – it’s a chance to get away for a weekend and immerse yourself in great music and company – but she will be the one complaining that her Snap story isn’t uploading while standing in line to charge her phone.
6. That girl will lose her phone and cry.
After getting way too inebriated off $7 beers, she realizes her phone is gone in the middle of a set. She begins to crawl around on the floor and demand that everyone around her help look for the missing cellular device. It pretty much ruins her weekend because God forbid she doesn’t update her Instagram hourly or take blurry videos.
7. That will girl loudly sing along to every word.
Sure, most people enjoy the concert by singing along, but in between bouts of screaming, “THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG” (for every song), this girl is acting like forgetting a lyric would result in certain death. She’s spent months looking up the lyrics, so you’re not allowed to hear the band perform a song. You only hear her.
8. That girl will try desperately to get backstage or into VIP by flirting with security guards.
Phrases like “biggest fan” and “pretty please” will be thrown around while the security guard rolls his eyes and she fails miserably. This is actually pretty enjoyable to witness.
9. That girl will dance as if she’s the only one there.
Make sure you are wearing closed toe shoes because if you happen to be standing next to that girl, you’re going to get stomped on. She’ll be violently jumping up and down and whipping her dirty, unwashed hair all over the place with zero f**ks given regarding the people around her.
10. That girl will try to crowd surf.
There’s nothing that ruins a great show like a foot kicking you in the head from behind. It’s one of three people: a drunk guy, a drunk girl, or that girl.