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30 Things No Waiter Wants To Hear

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two broke girls waitressing

Who hasn’t spent a summer waiting tables in college? It’s not a terrible job – you’re usually working with people your age, you make some spending money, and you might even get a free meal once in a while. However, there are some days that are just not in your favor. Whether it’s a demanding customer or a messy kids, some people really know how to make your job difficult. You just know it’s going to be one of those days when you hear these phrases.

1. “The customer is always right!” (Except when they’re wrong, 90% of the time.)

2. “I’m in a bit of a rush so, can I have the steak, well-done? And like I said, in a rush.” (Let me just use my time machine to make sure that’s done for you in a jiff.)

3. “I know it’s past lunch, but can we get the lunch prices?” (No. No you can’t.)

4. “Can we get four waters? And we’ll split the mozzarella sticks appetizer.” (You are the spawns of the devil.)

5. “Hi, can we get a table for ten? And eight children’s menus.” (Just murder me. I don’t want to live today.)

tip your waitress

6. “Can you take a picture? Oh wait, can you take another?” (Waiter/server/bus boy/professional photographer.)

7. “$14.26 on the green VISA, $25.64 on the blue VISA Amex, $17.15 on this AMEX. Thanks!” (Can’t you guys just Venmo each other later?)

8. “Sam’s out today so you’ll be covering two sections for dinner.” (Double the tips isn’t worth double the frustration.)

9. “I only give tips when the server really goes above and beyond.” (AKA you don’t tip.)

10. “I’ll have the umm…let’s see…hmm…well, no…hmm…” (No rush, sir. I have all day.)

waitress giving finger

11. “Are you trying to flirt with my boyfriend?” (There goes the tip.)

12. “Isn’t that a little expensive?” (Newsflash: I don’t make the prices.)

13. “Don’t I know you?” (Crap. High school is haunting me.)

14. “Are there nuts in this? I have a severe nut allergy!” (This is the first I’m hearing of it.)

15. “I’ll call you back. This waiter is staring at me.” (Because you said you were ready to order…?)

tiana waitressing

16. “Can we have two large pies, one for here and one to go. And we’ll have garlic bread for here, but a chicken parm sandwich to go. And also the penne vodka. To go.”

17. “I want to speak to a manager.” (The worst words in the English language.)

18. “Are you single?” *Leaves number on receipt* (They were definitely three times as old as me.)

19. “I’ll have the cheeseburger, no tomato, no lettuce, no bun, no onions, no pickle, no cheese.” (Wait, what?)

20. “I tipped you something BETTER than money!” (But this is just a Bible verse on a plastic card. Where’s the “better than money” part?)

waitress laughing

21. “We’re celebrating Joe’s birthday!” (I really didn’t want to have to sing the song today.)

22. “Can we have more bread? And some refills? And can you take these dirty plates out of our way?” (So demanding.)

23. “I want to make a substitution, but I don’t want to pay extra.” (You can’t have it all, buddy.)

24. “Last time, our waiter gave us 10% off.” (Don’t expect to get that lucky again because my boss hates me.)

25. “My sandwich was not what I ordered so I refuse to pay for it.” (But you ate the entire thing…)

two broke girls gif

26. “There’s 35 of us. No, we don’t have a reservation.” (Do you hate us or something?)

27. “I know your sign says ‘closed,’ but can you seat us for dinner?” (Yes, that’s fine. I don’t have a life outside this restaurant or anything.)

28. “I’ll take a water, with three lemon wedges and sugar.” (So you want free lemonade?)

29. “We got a 15% off coupon so we can tip less too!” (That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.)

30. “Just to let you know, I made a mess in the bathroom.” (Le sigh.)

i quit waiting

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Probably busy watching puppy videos on Instagram.