Breakups are tough– even if you are the one who decided to end the relationship. But if you are newly-single you have probably learned rather quickly that one of the most annoying parts about “getting back out there” isn’t just about your own fears and insecurities, or the unease and anxiety that comes with having to date again, but also how irritating other people can be about your new singleness.
Like when they ask the following five questions…
1. “What happened?”
What you respond with: Oh you know, the timing just wasn’t right. It wasn’t working out.
What you really want to say: I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t really like a football game that I could rewind and analyze play by play. It didn’t work out, obviously. That’s what happened. Go away. Listen, I have no friggen idea, okay? I have zero f*cking idea what happened. Had I known what was happening while it was going on I probably would’ve made a pretty solid effort to stop it, but I didn’t, hence why I am sitting here alone and single answering your dumb questions.
2. “Are you okay?”
What you respond with: Yeah, I’m fine. It’ll take some time to get completely over it but his loss, right?!
What you really want to say: Would I be this drunk at the bar, using all my willpower to NOT text my ex if I were truly okay? You saw my Instagrams. You saw my Pinterest boards. I thought I was going to marry this person. No, I’m not okay. “Okay” was my life before I was dumped and didn’t feel obligated to be pulled from my bed by my roommate to come out to the bar. “Okay” was when I had an excuse to avoid crowded bars and annoying people like you. So no, under no circumstances am I okay because no amount of alcohol is enough to make me forget that right now.
3. “Do you need a shot?
What you respond with: Yes.
What you really want to say: Make it a double, please.
4. “Do you think you’ll get back together?”
What you respond with: Probably not. You never know though. We just needed some time apart. So we’ll see what happens.
What you really want to say: Well, if I thought that I don’t think we would’ve broken up in the first place. See, I know what kind of predicament you are trying to put me in here. If I say yes, then I no longer have your sympathy and you are then allowed to go about your night like, “Oh, okay never mind this is all fine, Good for you!” And if we don’t, I look like a goddamn idiot. And if I say no, it looks like…. well, I don’t know what it looks like but again, go away.
5. “Who broke up with who?”
What you respond with: It was mutual. We saw it coming. But I’m the one who broke it off ultimately, I guess.
What you really want to say: What is this? Middle school? Who broke up with who? We were in a mature, adult, committed relationship and these things don’t just fade out overnight. It was a mature and equal understanding that neither of us were at a point in our— ugh. Never mind. He dumped me, now order the shots already.