Hangovers are the worst. When they’re especially painful, they have the ability to make you wish you were never conceived, or that you’re parents never even met for that matter. The problem with being hungover is that you are not your true self. In fact, you’re really not even much of a person at all.
Between the cotton mouth, constant cravings for greasy food that only end up making you feel worse, nausea, and irrational anxiety that is so real it has its own name (“the Sunday scaries”), when you’re hungover there’s a lot that causes you to suffer in ways you didn’t even know were possible until you got to college.
The only comfort is knowing that most people, or at least the ones that don’t know their own limits, are also going through the same thing after a night out drinking. Misery loves company.
Below are 65 thoughts everyone has when they’re hungover:
1. I think I’m going to puke.
2. Maybe if I lay here long enough the nausea will pass.
3. Nope, the room is still spinning.
4. Why isn’t my fridge stocked with Gatorade?
5. Did I do anything stupid last night?
6. Why do I always wake up so early when I’m hungover?
7. It’s like my body is punishing me.
8. Just a few more hours of sleep, that’s all I need.
9. WHY can I never fall back asleep when I’m hungover?!
10. I think I’m dying.
11. I’ll just text my best friend to see if she is dying too.
12. Nothing I eat is making me feel better.
13. What was I drinking last night?
14. How much was I drinking last night?
15. Shit. I need to check my bank account.
16. No. I’m not ready yet. Can’t make me depressed if I don’t know about it.
17. My soul is screaming at me right now.
18. Nope, that’s my liver. That’s definitely my liver screaming at me.
19. I am never drinking again.
20. Maybe a bloody mary will help.
21. Nope, can’t leave the house. It looks like I am dead.
22. Maybe I am dead.
23. Honestly, if I was dead right now that might actually be better.
24. Why did I do this?
25. I’m sweating. This is gross.
26. No, this is good. This is the alcohol leaving my body. Keep sweating!!!
27. Is it just me or is the hangover actually getting worse as the hours pass?
28. Why did I already finish OITB already?! There’s nothing else to binge watch!
29. Why does my apartment look like I have been robbed?
30. Is this pizza crust on my night stand?
31. Oh, in my bed too. Cool.
32. When did we get pizza?
33. Why is my ankle throbbing?
34. Did I fall last night?
35. Did anyone see me fall last night?
36. Alcohol is poison. I have poisoned myself.
37. Oh my god I need a bacon, egg & cheese.
38. My hair smells like smoke.
39. Shit. Did I smoke a cigarette last night?
40. I need to shower. I am disgusting.
41. This is why I am single.
42. I am a degenerate and a low life.
43. Everyone else was just as drunk, right?
44. I hope no one asks me what I am doing today.
45. I’m too old to be doing this.
46. Why can’t I stop shaking???
47. Is it okay to lay down in the shower?
48. Why isn’t there someone here to hold me?!
49. I need to get my life together. I’m going to have an anxiety attack.
50. This week. This week I am going to get it together. No more of this little-kid stuff.
51. I am not taking another sip of alcohol for three to five weeks.
52. Maybe I should give sobriety a try.
53. I feel like something important happened that I am not remembering.
54. Why is my mom calling me? I can’t deal with her right now.
55. I can’t even deal with myself right now.
56. Even my skin aches.
57. It’s Sunday right? Good. No one will ask me to drink anytime soon.
58. I’ll just scroll through Instagram and live vicariously through other people.
59. Why didn’t I instagram anything last night?
60. Oh good. My friend finally texted back.
61. How does she want to go to brunch right now?!
62. Actually, that bloody mary idea is sounding better.
63. Okay, I’ll go to brunch. I won’t drink, drink. Just one to take the edge off. Hair of the dog.
64. We need to go somewhere outside so I don’t have to take my sunglasses off.
65. Here we go again.