10 "Thank Yous" You Seriously Owe Your Gay Best Friend

1. Thank you for being completely honest when my outfit is not on point.

Mastering the fine line between “I’m not trying too hard, but I’m still put together” and “I just spent an hour glueing on each eyelash, and I still look like a hot mess” is more challenging than you would think, at least for me. During the getting ready process, I usually turn to my best friends for some guidance. My girlfriends will tell me anything looks good on me just to get the process of actually leaving our apartment along, but my gay best friend will be honest despite the Über that has been waiting in the driveway for ten minutes. “I feel like your nipple is going to pop out any second” is typically the response I get from him and I’m perfectly happy with changing into a less “Janet Jackson circa the 2004 Superbowl” look.

2. Thanks for eating with me when my girlfriends don’t want to waste the calories/money.

I like my food. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t? But there are times when my girlfriends would rather make kale at home with a side of water than spend fifteen dollars on sushi. That’s where my gay best friend comes in. Even if he’s in the middle of re-watching the first season of Glee on Hulu, he’ll willingly pause his hibernation to go to the local sushi restaurant, where we spend an ungodly amount of time, to devour some tasty Asian cuisine with our good waiter friend Jing.

3. Gracias for giving me candid boy advice.

Don’t get me wrong, girlfriends are really good at telling you how to respond to a text, and they can come up with some great excuses for getting out of going to your boyfriend’s great uncle’s fourth wedding, but there’s just something about a gay best friend that taps into a straight boy’s mentality that provides you with the perfect thing to say. Like, “Fine with me if you go to your ex-girlfriend’s party, I’ll just be in your driveway slashing your tires 🙂 ” Or when you need to know if a guy’s cute, gay best friends don’t beat around the ugly bush, they go straight for the truth. “Don’t you think you could do better…like…looks wise?”

4. For the fake boyfriend trick.

The amount of times I’ve been in a bar and had to pull a James Bond 007 move to dodge the random, sweaty guy in the club from trying to grind with me like we’re at an eighth grade dance is verging on disgusting. When my gay best friend is around, I can avoid my usual tactics, like pretending I don’t speak English or faking a seizure, by acting like he’s my boyfriend. Just as long as he doesn’t talk, we’re practically like Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt…with far less testosterone.

5. Thanks for being on Selfie Patrol.

You know when you want to post a picture of yourself because you feel like Farrah Fawcett after a haircut or when you just took a picture with no makeup on and don’t actually channel a dying rodent but you’re too afraid to post it? Having a gay best friend is perfect because he’ll let you know when the fading daylight casts a five o’clock shadow on your face, or when your duck face is too “try-hard.” After all, he is the selfie king so you must respect his opinion.

6. Thank you for being the designated muscles of the group.

Although his idea of working out is running a lap around the track and doing twenty push-ups, he still somehow has more strength than ten of my girlfriends combined. So, when we’re home for the summer and my mom asks me to move the pool chairs…you know who I’m putting on the job.

7. For taking the most undesirable sleeping spot.

Slumber parties aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Especially after you’ve been out drinking and just want to crash in a little cloud of heaven you call your bed. After one friend is sprawled out on the couch and seems to have won the world record for the fastest self-induced coma, one friend has locked her door on account of a male guest, and another refuses to make room on the large chair for him, he is forced to sleep on the wooden floor with nothing but a smelly sock for a pillow. But he does it because he’s always down to take one for the team (and maybe because everyone else selfishly refuses to give up their designated spots).

8. I owe you for always standing up for me even when I’m blatantly wrong.

You know that time you thought the girl in the bathroom line at a bar looked at you wrong? Well, whether or not she just has resting b*tch face and is actually a nice person, your gay best friend will call that girl out, and she’ll probably end up buying you a drink because she’s scared to death of his wrath.

9. I don’t know what I’d do without my personal TMZ.

I think my gay best friend has bugged every single celebrities house because he finds out the hottest gossip before it even hits the media. He’s like my very own Perez Hilton. “Did you know Kylie Jenner‘s lips are insured for a million dollars?” They might not always be fact, but they’re entertaining and true for all intents and purposes.

10. Thanks for always brightening my day.

It could be that iced coffee he brings you before he comes to your house, or the fact that he knows every single Nicki Minaj verse word-for-word and goes teenager-at-a-Tswift-concert crazy when she comes on the radio, but it’s always sure to put a smile on your face.


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