The day you have been waiting months for has finally arrived: your favorite band is finally rolling into your city, and you have been blessed with the chance to see their beautiful faces in person. You’ve prepared the perfect outfit and done your hair right in hopes that luck will strike you and you’ll meet the band. But, alas: you must throw yourself into the pit of sweaty musical hell, the land known as “general admission.” Sure, you have your mix of crazy women, but there are certain guys you come across at concerts no matter where you go. Whether your favorite group is a rock band, a pop group, or a rap act, there are nine types of guys you will encounter without fail.
1. The Overly-Friendly Super Fan
You’re standing alone, staring up at the stage waiting for the opener to come on. Luckily, the guy standing next to you is friendly enough to strike up a conversation with you. It’s all harmless at first—you make comments regarding the opening band, talk excitedly about the main act—but then: he never shuts up. Your favorite group is playing your favorite song, and he won’t stop talking about the history of the song.
Dude, I didn’t come here for a history lesson. I came here to sing poorly and dance.
2. The Photographer
Just when you think it’s all said and done, the photographers move out of that odd gap between the crowd and the stage and you have a perfect view of the handsome lead singer. You’re blessed with a half an hour or so of unblocked, visual and auditory bliss. But then, a guy carrying a giant camera and all its lenses in an even bigger bag appears beside you. He’s trying to talk to you and you’re attempting to be friendly while simultaneously trying to enjoy yourself at the show.
In the middle of a rocking crowd is not the place to meet people, Mister Photographer man.
3. The Unmoving Boulder
The bass is rocking, the guitar is groovy—you can’t stop jumping and moving your feet. Arguably, it’s the best work out of your life. Except, there’s this one guy who is killing your vibe entirely. He’s just standing there, making no motion whatsoever. He won’t even move his head to the beat.
If you’re going to stand there and do nothing, go to the back where you belong.
4. The Giant
You’re ever so close to that metal fence that separates you and your beloveds on stage. Yet, it seems the tallest man in the world has stumbled upon this concert and has decided to stand right in front of you. You’re trying to dance your sorrows away and he turns around to acknowledge your terrible moves, and, by force, your height, but does nothing to rectify the situation. You are forever left in this man’s shadow.
5. The Great Wall
You never thought that your favorite band was appropriate moshing music. It never even crossed your mind. Yet, you’re standing in the sea of sweaty bodies and just to your right, there happens to be a growing circle of thrashing fans. The man next to you, however, has taken it upon himself to shield you from the swarm. He smiles at you and lets you know that you will not be hit by any of these angry bodies during the show.
Give the man a high-five at the end of the show. He saved the night for you.
6. The Miserable Boyfriend
Unfortunately, not everyone can be a fan of your favorite band. You tend to forget these people exist solely because your favorite band is seriously the best—you just don’t get it, man. But, alas: some of these miserable souls came to party with a screaming girlfriend in hand. Props to you for dragging yourself out here to make your girlfriend happy, but damn, could you at least put on a smile and pretend to dance?
7. The “I Came Here To Drink Over-Priced Beers” Dude
“Don’t you just love paying double digits for your beers at shows?” said no one ever. Except for that one guy at this show who keeps leaving the crowd to head to the bar. You’ve lost count of how many plastic cups he’s thrown on the floor (your shoes might remember as they stick to the wooden ground). He keeps smiling at you, facing the direct opposite of the stage. He hasn’t even acknowledged the existence of the band—he just keeps slurring his words at you.
8. The Stoic Documenter
There is always that one guy on his phone the entire duration of the show. That’s fine—if that’s how you like to enjoy your music, who are you to judge? But there is a serious discrepancy in how he appears and how he appears digitally.
He hasn’t moved a bit other than moving his phone to take a Snapchat video of the concert. The caption reads, “having a blast at [artist name]!!! [various party emojis]” but his face says otherwise.
9. The Coat Rack
People have piled in to the small floor space for the band. Several people hand off their belongings to a single guy in the group, unwilling to pay for coat and bag check. He sulks off to the back of the crowd, underneath several pounds of jacket, bag and scarf (winter concerts suck). He cannot move, he cannot dance; he is miserable to the point that he will not sing. He smiles weakly at you as you throw your body to the music, but there is nothing you can do. He is The Coat Rack and will continue to be until the night ends.
