“Caroline,” you scoff, “don’t be ridiculous. How could you simply forget to drink your morning coffee? It’s the literal lifeblood of 90% of the working world—it’s nothing something you forget.” You finish spitting at me with the tone of a pretentious individual adorned in knock-off designer fashion.
I flip my hair in feigned-facetiousness and roll my eyes, “In the stupor of a no sleep, I-forgot-to-fill-up-the-Keurig, there-is no-time-to-get-to-the-dining-hall, anything is possible, child.” I say and proceed to trip over my shoes and fall face first due to my confusion spurned by lack of coffee.
We’re not perfect, there’s no getting around that. I mean, it’s only human to f*ck up sometimes. However, thanks to coffee, we can pretend that we’re fully-functional, perfect human beings. Think about it: remember all of the work you churned through after you finished your seventh cup of coffee? You became a machine.
It’s important to recognize that when we do go to make our morning coffee cup or pot, we do so in a sleepy, caffeine-deprived daze. Thus, with the above paragraph in mind, we tend to f*ck up sometimes. Sometimes we even make the coffee cup or pot and leave it on the desk as we run out of our apartment or dorm room.
There are certain stages that every coffee-deprived individual goes through on that terrible morning. It’s normal and you will power through it. Think about the sad people who lived before the time of coffee. Going coffee-less, it seems, makes you similar to Jesus.
There’s some upside to being accidentally without coffee if your end-game is being Jesus-esque. You’re welcome.
Stage 1: Confusion
You’re running down the tiny sidewalks and asphalt paths trying to make it in time before your professor locks you out of the classroom. You’re plain exhausted, but know that you made your morning coffee to offset the tragedy that is waking up before noon. The only question is: where is your hot beverage and why are you not drinking it right now?
Stage 2: Initial Horror
Upon reaching the classroom, you step inside, trying to minimize the stomping you’re doing to your desk, to realize that there was never a cup of coffee in your hand. Your hands are ice cold, understandably, as you slide into your desk, gazing upon your professor in pure horror.
You forgot your morning coffee.
Stage 3: Panic
How can you possibly simultaneously focus and take notes without your trusty coffee spilling all-over your notebooks?!
This is a NIGHTMARE.
Stage 4: Fumbling
No, you couldn’t have possibly of forgotten your morning coffee. That’s just preposterous and totally not you. You know better—you never leave a companion behind.
Yet, you sit in your desk without your coffee cup, fighting off the urge to chomp down nervously on your nails. Your professor has begun the lecture, but all you can think about is the hazelnut coffee that’s going to go to cold and eventually to waste in your dorm room.
Stage 5: Wide-Eyed Silence
You’re coming to terms with your forgotten pal. However, you’re rendered unconsolable. You stare at your closed notebook, leaving your pens and pencils to fall to the floor. Your eyes are in a perpetual state of being bugged out.
“Are you okay?” someone might ask.
You don’t know.
Stage 6: Praying To God
You need a higher power to help you get through yet another riveting lecture on the Romantics. However, your prayers go unanswered. He’s very busy with other, more important things to attend to other than your coffee-less *ss.
Stage 7: Onset of Sleepiness
You’ve made it through about ten minutes of an hour and a half class before you feel your head falling forward. You attempt to shake the sleepy stupor out of your body, but it is futile. You’re doomed to feel this way until you somehow maneuver 3,000* cups of coffee past your lips.
*an estimated amount.
Stage 8: Violent Awakening
Your professor has cruelly chosen you to answer some questions about material you simply were not paying attention to. You stare up at him or her, and she or he stares back with zero sympathy. You point at the empty spot where your coffee would have been and he or she still could care less. You struggle to find even the basic building blocks of the English language; the only noises exiting your mouth a garble of terrible grunts and moans.
Prepare for some serious embarrassment.
Stage 9: Stumbling Away
After your hour and a half of pure torture, you stumble out of that classroom feeling as victorious as an Ancient Greek Olympian…who finished in last place. You lean against the wall outside of the classroom, making a specific effort to avoid your peers’ condescending eyes.
You’re going to have to withdraw from this class and likely transfer universities.
Stage 10: Trying To Hold Yourself Together
As you continue to stare at your shoes, you lean back harder into the cold wall to steady yourself for the rest of the day. You try to hold back the flood of tears. You’re whimpering quietly as your professor judges you rather loudly as he or she traverses back to his or her office on the fourth floor.
Can’t you just leave me alone!?
Stage 11: The Broken Promises Of A Nap Filled Day
You promise that as soon as you muster up the strength to walk back to your dorm room or apartment, you’re going to crawl right back into bed and nap for the next seven years. You need to treat yo’self, right? What better way to cure the no-coffee blues than by napping your life away?
Stage 12: The Sudden Schedule Reminder
Until, of course, you remember that you have another three classes back-to-back.
If you want to cry out loud, you absolutely have earned the right to.
Stage 13: The Perpetual Sigh
You summon the strength to walk to the off-campus building that’s about twenty minutes way. You’re not smiling at anyone (not that you did, anyway) nor are you saying “Hello.” The only thing exiting your lips is one, long, drawn-out sigh.
You’re going to have to push through this day whether you like it or not.
Stage 14: Reluctant Drudging
You force yourself to participate, you force yourself to move. Today will be a day where you have to give yourself a pep talk before doing anything major today.
And by “anything major,” I mean “anything that requires me to breathe.”
Stage 15: Defeat
Sliding into desk after desk on this tragic day has broken your soul into minuscule pieces. You are a shell of the person you once were. Nobody can get through to you. You are as cold as that hazelnut coffee up sitting sadly on your fake wood desk. In the Battle of Caffeine Deprivation, you have waved the white flag. It is over.
That is, until some generous soul responds to your cries for help and shows up to your next class with a giant cup of hot, steaming coffee.
[Lead image via]