Herbert Spencer, way back when, coined the phrase, “survival of the fittest” to describe natural selection. This was also known colloquially as “kill off all the weak.” Keep this message in mind as you continue to read.
It’s really an amazing feat that us children born in the 90s ever made it out of our youth. I mean, between crossing the street without looking both ways and the cars that never quite stopped when the bus pulled into your stop aside, have you ever reflected on what constituted our youth?
No, no—forget television. Forget your safe Nintendo 64s and Gameboys. I’m talking about real, plastic toys—you know, those things that incite the most violent waves of nostalgia in your gut? Those toys.
Guys, we need to come to terms with our youth. That time period was a dangerous one. Those beloved 90s toys should not be evoking good feelings, thoughts of Mom and Dad and home. They should be inspiring the purest of horror within our tired, tiny bodies. These “toys” absolutely should not have been marketed as toys, but rather—a grade below weaponized blunt object.
Most importantly, however, my dear readers, is that you survived your youth whilst being surrounded by these plastic time bombs. However, because you are so fond of nostalgia and have no sense of personal safety, let’s take a trip down nightmare lane and peruse the top ten toys from our youth that were absolutely, no doubt, trying to kill us.