I’ve been back on my college’s campus for about a week now and you would think, since it is my junior year and all, that I would be totally acclimated to not only my fellow students but also my surroundings. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I’m psyching myself up for another long semester of endless papers and sleepless nights. Yet, I am back on campus and I am totally discombobulated.
And trust me, it’s not the dining hall food messing with my brain.
Perhaps it is because I am now officially an “upperclassman,” but the freshmen this year seem so…young. They’re bright-eyed and baby-faced, still totally enamored with the idea of college (as I struggle to get out of bed because my back aches). But, year upon year, without fail, there are certain kinds of freshmen that appear on campus to make your life either a living hell or to provide momentary entertainment.
1. The Perpetually Lost
You’ll find this poor soul staring constantly at a crumpled up map between his or her hands. No matter how long it’s been since orientation week or the first week of class, there is no hope for this individual. Somehow, he or she believes getting to their lecture hall from their dorm room changes on a regular basis. You cannot get through to this precious freshmen—you can only stare on in pity.
This guy or girl came to campus adorned in Lily Putlizer or Vineyard Vines, head to toe. He or she is always down to go out and have fun and is constantly surrounded by like-minded and similar-looking individuals and is just waiting for recruitment to start.
3. Lanyard Freshman
The Lanyard Freshman, similar to The Perpetually Lost, will never be found without his or her trusty lanyard swinging around his or her neck. While I understand that it’s far more convenient to have your ID around your neck rather than having to remember to stick it in your pocket, but it’s just embarrassing, man.
Side Note: I refused to become a Lanyard Freshman and subsequently lost seven Student IDs in one semester to the tune of $70. The Lanyard Freshman is not the worst type of freshman you could possibly be.
4. The Over-Involved
This new student wants to be involved with every club, every class and every performance arts group on campus. You’ll find his or her name and email on every sign-up sheet around the Club Fair first on the list. By the end of the semester, he or she will either have dropped out of every group he or she joined on campus or can be found running around with pounds of flyers in his or her backpack.
5. The Party Animal
The Party Animal has no sense of responsibility. Given that he or she now has boundless freedom to do whatever he or she pleases, he or she intends to express that to every extent of the word. You’ll find him or her every night at either your local bar, house party or dorm room party overly excited and, obviously, very drunk.
6. The Screamer
This freshman wants to make it known to your respective campus that he or she has arrived. When you’re nursing your hangover or just merely trying to eat your sh*tty dining hall breakfast, he or she will be pounding on the table next to yours screaming his or her head off. Why? You’ll never know, but every word that comes out of his or her mouth apparently warrants constant yelling.
7. The Slob
This is the *sshole who had his or her mother or father pick up after them constantly and thinks that your dining hall service staff exist merely to clean up after his or her messes. In his or her wake, you’ll find explosions of mixed vegetables, sauces, overturned textbooks and notebooks and crumpled pieces of papers. His or her dorm room? Forget it. Amongst the piles of dirty clothes, empty bottles of alcohol and empty food wrappers, you might find a bed.
8. The Borderline Alcoholic
You’re pretty sure you’ve never seen this freshman sober. Perpetually stumbling around campus, regardless of the hour or the day of the week, he or she tends to always vaguely smell like brandy.
9. The Loner
This freshman is always found off and about campus doing his or her own thing. He or she never seems to be around people and is eerily quiet.
It’s the quiet ones you need to watch out for. I’m telling you/warning you.
10. The Homesick One
At some point in our college careers, we were all the Homesick One—regardless of how far you lived from campus. This freshman can be found usually in his or her dorm room, sitting somberly on the phone talking to Mom or Dad back home. He or she is very prone to crying—be gentle.
11. The Skype Addict
The Skype Addict is, as in the name, perpetually on Skype. He or she may have a significant other back home, have a very worried mother or just likes staying in touch with friends on a face-to-face basis. Either way, your ears will be plagued by the sound of the Skype phone ringing at all hours of the day and night.
12. The Commuting Resident
This individual is around during the weekdays but disappears entirely on the weekends. Sometimes, he or she even goes home on the weekdays Despite “living” on campus, he or she rarely is found on it, but can be found via Snapchat on his or her couch at home.