Standards & Practices: An Interview With My Mom About Dating Today By The Dude

Sitting at my dining room table watching my mother speak on the phone, I wait patiently admiring the woman who bore and raised me. Looking like she’s in her young thirties (knowing full well she’s not and she will be reading this), I flash her my best sh*t-eating grin as she tells me, “You’re being rude,” before I take out the flash cards I asked her to mentally prepare for. Suddenly she understands why I’m out of my dwelling, finishes her phone conversation, and stands at the counter eating Cheez-Its. “Well, are you ready?”
What kind of twenty-something guy gets his mom to give him dating advice? This Dude. The things I’ll do for College Candy readers…

Dude: Won’t you sit down?

*Mom moves away from the counter and sits across from me*

Dude: Hello, Mother.

Mom: Hello, Swone. (I couldn’t begin to explain what this nickname means)

Dude: Do you have any general comments you’d like to give your darling son about dating?

Mom: Nothing’s perfect. If your moral codes don’t align, you shouldn’t settle. You want somebody to be independent and interdependent at the same time, you have to find the balance. You have to be able to compromise. In the words of The Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want,” but you’ll always get what you need if you have faith that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to.

Dude: Okay. What do you think the biggest difference between dating now versus dating when you were my age is?

Mom: That you don’t date; that you hang out and hang out in groups of friends and maybe go home with someone. When I was dating your dad, we’d hang out with friends and do stuff (not like watch TV), and then we’d do stuff alone like go to the movies or dinner on dates.

Dude: How do you think things got this way in the dating culture?

Mom: People lower the bar to what they find acceptable.

Dude: What would you like to see more of in this generation’s hook up culture?

Mom: Well let’s begin with not “hooking up.” I think it’s the word. “Meet-up.” “Get together.” For you, you have to be open to talking to complete strangers and after a few basic questions, see if you’re on the same wavelength. Be kind to each other. Being responsible. And at the same time, you’re so serious; dating is supposed to be about having fun.

Dude: Less?

Mom: Texting.

Dude: What functioning definition do you have for the differences between talking, hooking up, and texting?

Mom: Talking is pretty obvious, isn’t it? You use your words. Is it by texting? That is not using your words, that is texting. A hook up? Like a sewer hook up? The hooking up thing, it just sounds like there’s no respect to it. Like a hunter hooks up a piece of meat to a tree to skin it, sounds like you’re bringing them out to slaughter. I guess it’s similar to a one night stand, but that’s just one night.

Dude: Besides the Internet, where do you think is a good place for young people to meet?

Mom: I don’t know, there’s nice people everywhere. Anywhere that young people are. Anywhere you’re exposed to a network of people. Through friends. I don’t remember saying the Internet is a good place for people to meet.

Dude: So what do you think about a mail-order bride at this point?

Mom: Does it come with a prepaid shipping return label? What happens when it doesn’t fit? Go to the next question.

Dude: How about Match, eHarmony, and Tinder?

Mom: They are very useful tools, but you must do your due diligence. When you don’t go out and don’t meet people, it’s very east to sit at home and do nothing. Anyone can sit behind a computer screen. Same goes for a mail-order bride. Just. Saying.

Dude: What irks you about the way young women treat young men?

Mom: I think it’s the way people treat people that irks me. Sometimes girls are bitchier than they need to be. And sometimes guys think too highly of themselves, they’re conceited.

Dude: What do you think young women should be focused on at this stage of the game?

Mom: I think girls in college should have the mindset that they are looking for their bridesmaids, not their grooms.

Dude: What about young women that a guy would want to bring home?

Mom: When you brought home [one of my exes], she came in and didn’t act the way she thought I would want her to act. Young women should come into the room and be themselves. I like girls who can bridge the gap, who see a book on the table and think, “Okay, let’s talk about book.”

Dude: What do you think about a girlfriend sleeping over?

Mom: I don’t think about it at all because it’s not going to happen at my house!

Dude: Moving on. Looks or personality?

Mom: Looks fade, personality is everything.

Dude: But don’t I have enough personality for two people?

Mom: I think your forty-seven personalities make up for any new person.

Dude: What expectations do you have as a future mother-in-law?

Mom: I don’t expect anything because I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Besides the typical mom things? She loves my son, she treats my son with respect? She must love dogs.

Dude: Anything else you think we didn’t cover?

Mom: I thought there’d be more fun questions.
There you have it ladies. If this doesn’t explain my high standards, nothing will.

The Hot Audience Member Officially Wins The Second Republican Debate #HotDebateGuy
The Hot Audience Member Officially Wins The Second Republican Debate #HotDebateGuy
  • 10614935101348454