Public transportation is truly a blessing and a curse. Not only are you saving the environment one ride at a time, you don’t have to focus on driving and starting your day with immense road rage. However, unfortunately, by choosing public transportation over your trusty, private car, you’re forced to deal with the most interesting types of people on your chosen method of transportation.
It’s not always a bad thing, though. Of course, only when you’re in the mood for it not to be a bad thing.
Which is never. I mean, who’s ever content to be riding the bus or train?
Solely the late-night drunks.
1. I really hope no one talks to me.
The overly friendly subway or bus rider is a true nuisance indeed. Can’t you see that no one is in the mood to talk? What ever gave you the idea that this is appropriate public transportation behavior!?
2. Why are you so loud?
Seriously, shut the f*ck up. Your story isn’t as interesting as you think it is and you and your friend are the most boring individuals that walk the face of this planet.
Another embarrassing story at the club or bar is tried and told. Try again.
3. Oh, God, I hope that wasn’t vomit.
Mystery liquid rolling down the aisle, I hope you’re just especially dirty water. Do they ever clean these things?
4. What’s that smell?
Do you people just choose not to shower before entering the public eye? Do you not own soap? Is your scent of choice “eau de garlic et body odor?”
I think my nose is bleeding.
5. Is that a bloody tampon?
This, unfortunately, is a true story. My friends were coming back from a show in Lower Manhattan when they got on the A train and discovered, no lie, a bloody tampon sitting on a chair. Long story short, they moved very far away from that bench.
I’m sorry, but when you pay your transportation fare, do you think you can just bypass standard hygiene laws? Do you think you can just whip your tampon out and leave it on a seat if you were saving it for later? What the hell is wrong with you?
6. Is this person drawing me?
I’m a combination of wildly uncomfortable and weirdly flattered.
7. How old is too old for Candy Crush?
You’re wasting your battery life on a meaningless game and you left the volume on. As proud as I am that you’ve done “deliciously” on Candy Crush, the announcer makes me very uncomfortable and I wish you would stop.
8. Is it worth transferring?
It might shave off five or ten minutes, but then I have to deal with the general hubbub of impatient humanity.
And I hate humanity.
9. Do I brave the elevator troll?
To be jam-packed with sweaty human beings and a grunting elevator troll or not to be jam-packed with sweaty human beings, that is the question.
10. How did that pigeon get on the train?
And how in the world is he or she aware enough to get off at this specific stop? Is he or she going shopping at Target? Do you need sunflower seeds? Do you need a five dollar spot? Be my friend, intelligent pigeon!
11. Do I have enough money to pay for fare?
The answer is usually no.
12. Will this person kill me?
When it’s late night and it’s you and one other person on the train car, your mind tends to wander to the worst case scenario.
13. Please don’t sit next to me.
THIS IS AN ENTIRELY EMPTY BUS/TRAIN CAR. THERE ARE A MYRIAD OF SEAT CHOICES AND FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, YOU CHOSE TO SIT NEXT TO ME.
I SUGGEST YOU MOVE BEFORE I GO ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
14. Is he or she smoking a cigar?
Don’t you know you’re not allowed to smoke indoors? And why do you insist on blowing the smoke in my face?
I swear to God, I’m never riding public transportation past 3p.m..
15. Is that [insert celebrity name here]?
It usually never is.
16. How drunk is too drunk for the subway?
It seems all of the secret acrobats and breakdancers come out only past 1 a.m..
17. Can I start my stripper career here?
These balancing poles are calling my name to a brand new, academic-free, clothes-optional career.
18. Why did you bring a three-course meal?
And why does your three-course meal smell like donkey *ss?
19. Why aren’t we moving?
I know the conductor/driver made an announcement, but Lord knows these speakers are older than the United States itself and the message was totally unintelligible.
20. Your music taste is sh*t.
Your Beats are for you, not for everybody.
