Some people might be horrified by the content of this essay, but quite frankly, I want to shake this teen’s hand and bring him into my institution of higher learning.
I don’t have a college under my name, but if I did, he would be attending on a full scholarship. Athletes be damned.
Redditor bedwetter95 shared the essay he wrote and submitted to an unnamed college when he was “baked” on the Today, I Fucked Up Reddit thread. It is a story of true ambition—easily a shoo-in candidate for the American literary canon. The essay, in full, reads:
“Prodip Goldman was a quiet kid in High School, he never had many friends and he never acquired any pussy. Prodip’s nights would mainly consist of smoking large amounts of doritos flavored weed and starting YouTube comment wars until 4 in the morning. One particular Autumn day while walking home from school, Prodip set a goal, and his goal was to snatch up some pussy inb4 Winter break. As weeks went on, Prodip was sitting at lunch and overheard a couple of the cool kids talking about weed, and they were thinking about getting a huge shipment of some super good shit for an insane house party during the weekend. Prodip grew some balls and went over to the group and mumbled, “I can hook yall up with some dorito flavored loud for the party.” As surprised as they were to hear that, the cool kids were down. Though Prodip continued, “But, only on one occasion, you guys gotta hook me up with some mad pussy at the party.” One kid in the group named Quan said “Ayy bruh we got tons of model bitches comin’ thru, they be down to fuck long as you hook em up with that dorito dank na’mean?.” After lunch was over, Prodip ran to the bathroom squealing in excitement about the pussy he would acquire at the party, and immediately called up Ron, his dealer.”
It’s not badly written? I end the previous statement with a question mark because the content certainly suggests that the general English and grammar would be a catastrophe at best. This is not the literary hero we need, but the one we deserve. Prodip Goldman is a character we all can relate to—a boy who is a little awkward and merely wants to be accepted by his school community. Who wouldn’t run into a bathroom squealing in excitement after being accepted by the cool kid, Quan?
Bedwetter95 stated that when he received his denial letter in the mail, the school not only rejected him, but also contained a warning from the school’s local police department saying he was banned from the college’s grounds permanently.
More importantly, though, I need to know how this story ends. Does Prodip Goldman ever get pussy at this party? Does he end up getting the “dorito-flavored loud” for his new companions from his dealer, Ron? Bedwetter95, I need to know.