You drink six cups of coffee during the day in a sad attempt to stay awake, yet the moment you’re finally in bed, you can’t sleep. Why? Because your mind decided it would be fun to be like, “Hey, wanna know what we didn’t think about today? Your grades and lack of a boyfriend, and the fact that you’re going to be alone forever!” Oh, and all of these things too:
1. If I fall asleep now, I can get exactly 8 hours and 36 minutes of sleep.
2. That’s solid.
3. No wait, 8 hours and 27 minutes. I was never good at math.
4. Still solid.
5. *Checks phone*
6. Oh look a text! Killin’ it. Wait jk. It’s Verizon letting me know that I’ve used up 75% of my data this month.
8. I haven’t checked Instagram in approximately 37 seconds. Better check again.
9. Yikes. That’s an aggressive filter.
10. Did she really blur out the wrinkles on her hand to take a picture of her manicure?
11. I can see right through you, Janine. Right through you.
12. It does look good though.
13. Maybe I should paint my nails tomorrow.
14. Or now.
15. No, not now.
16. Being a girl is a lot of work.
17. Oh look, the ninth engagement this month.
18. I wish that were an exaggeration.
19. So happy for you.
20. Like, so happy.
22. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out how to be an adult.
23. Like how do I pay taxes and make food other than spaghetti?
24. I don’t even like spending $15 on a t-shirt.
25. Ugh, I’m thirsty.
26. Why is the kitchen soooo far?
27. Oops, forgot to check Snapchat.
28. A sunset. A selfie with a dog. A selfie with a Santa hat. A mirror selfie. A post-gym selfie.
29. Damn, I follow a lot of vain people.
30. Tbh, I don’t even know why I have Snapchat. What’s the point? So I can prove to my loser ex who still follows me that I have a more interesting life than just watching Netflix?
31. Yes, that is exactly why.
32. Not that my life is more interesting than that.
33. But I digress.
34. Okay seriously, time for bed.
35. Wait. What was that noise?
36. Did I lock the door?
37. Maybe I should get up and check.
38. Can I do this without turning the light on?
39. Nope, definitely not. That’ll leave a bruise.
40. Door is locked.
41. WHY AM I HUNGRY RIGHT NOW?
42. 7 hours and 12 minutes.
43. Was I really on Instagram that long?
44. Kinda hate myself.
45. Ever wonder how well rested people must’ve been before cell phones?
46. What a time to be alive, I’m sure.
47. Great, now I have to pee.
48. I refuse to get up again.
49. I can hold it.
50. Nope. Defintely can’t hold it.
52. Wait, I need to set an alarm.
53. Ooh an Instagram like! Guess they can’t sleep either.
54. I wonder what people are doing on the other side of the world right now. Like idk, in Thailand or something.
55. I really want to go there actually.
56. Or maybe I’m just obsessed with the Americanized version of Thai food.
57. Seriously though, it’s amazing.
58. Damn, I never actually set my alarm.
59. 3 AM?!
60. Shit. 5 hours and 8 minutes.
61. Tomorrow is going to be fun.
62. Thank God for coffee.