Relationships in the 21st century are about as simple as a game of Monopoly, which if you’ve ever played Monopoly, is confusing as hell. The days of courting and romance have been replaced with texting and Netflix and chillin’. What a time to be alive, huh?
Yet no matter how hard we try, it always comes down to “the game.” For example, how long should we wait to text him back? How can we show that we care without being clingy? At what point do we discuss being exclusive? If you have the answer to these questions, you’re probably an alien and that’s terrifying, but teach us your ways. For everyone else, we’re left struggling to decipher whether him making us breakfast in the morning equals boyfriend or just that he’s hungry and you haven’t left yet so he thought he’d make you some eggs.
After all the obstacle courses I’ve gone through when it comes to dating, I’ve narrowed it down to a few easy steps that’ll take you from hookup to girlfriend in no time.
1. Make the first move.
2. But don’t make too many moves.
3. You don’t want to come off crazy.
4. Eat healthy.
5. But if you want to hang out and eat pizza/drink beer, that’s cool too.
7. But don’t get too in shape. You don’t want to hurt your guy’s ego.
8. Have big boobs.
9. And a big butt.
10. Squats are your friend.
11. Be willing and able to have sex like a porn star.
12. AKA contort your body until a bone breaks and you have to go to the hospital.
13. Look good without wearing makeup.
14. In fact, look hot at all times.
15. But don’t look too hot or his friends will want you as well.
16. Actually, that’s fine. A little jealousy never hurt anybody.
17. Be into him, but not too into him.
18. Like make out with him, but when you’re going to bed don’t say, “Can I have a kiss?”
19. That’s too needy.
20. Buy him things.
21. Compliment him.
23. Give him bj’s.
24. Also often.
25. Don’t joke about his junk.
26. Guys get weird about that stuff.
27. Text him, but not too much.
28. If he texts you, reply nine minutes later.
29. That’s the magic number- nine.
30. Like his stuff on Instagram.
31. And Facebook.
32. Maybe not Twitter. That might be overkill.
33. But let him know you saw that pic of him with his frat bros and support it.
34. You’ll come off as cool and laid back and guys like that.
35. Offer to pay the bill every so often.
36. Don’t be a gold digger.
37. Don’t offer to pay too much, though because he doesn’t want to feel insulted.
38. Guys get weird about that stuff, part II.
39. Tell him you like him, but not too soon.
40. Actually, if you start out hooking up, maybe not tell him at all.
41. Wait for him to say something first.
42. That’s how it should be right?
43. After all, the guy is the one who usually proposes, is usually expected to say I love you first, and will be the one to ask you to be his girlfriend after step 48.
45. Be able to hold your liquor.
46. You don’t want to be a sloppy mess.
47. The goal is to get drunk but not too drunk where you can’t have sex later.
48. And finally, be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.
So that’s it! Follow these 48 steps, be a perfect human, don’t catch feelings too quickly or (gasp!) tell him how you feel, and you’ll have yourself a boyfriend in no time! Happy dating. 😆