55 Thoughts You Have During Your Visit To The Gynecologist

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Probably right up there with the things women hate is having periods every month, going in for a routine tooth cleaning, and visiting the gynecologist. Now, of course a trip to the dentist is an experience that most men and women dread, but the gynecologist is an awkward experience all its own, and unfortunately it’s just for us girls.

Every so often, women are asked to come in, spill all of our sexual history, undress, and prop our legs up on a rigged bed while a doctor takes their time probing through the mysterious worlds of our vaginas. It may seem like a visit to the gynecologist is beneficial to your health – and that may be, but often times it feels like a bizarre hook-up-gone wrong, filled with awkward pauses, cold metal objects, and unbearable conversation.

You tell yourself it’s normal; this is strictly business. But as the nurse comes out, butchering your last name from a clipboard, you get up hesitantly because who knows what will happen next.

1. Okay, this seems easy. She seems like a nice lady.

2. Damn, when was my last period?

3. Does she really need to know about how many sexual partners I’ve had?

4. Maybe I should lie.

5. No, she needs all the info.

6. Do I really have to put on this paper gown?

7. Why do they always come back after only 2 minutes? I can’t change that fast.

8. Thank goodness I took a shower this morning.

9. But I didn’t get waxed.

10. Oh well.

11. Wait, should I lay back or sit up, or should I kind of close my knees until she asks to see?

12. Should I look up or look into her eyes?

13. That’s kind of weird. I’ll look up.

14. Why are there pictures of STDs on the wall?

15. I wonder what it looks like from that angle.

16. She’s probably seen a lot of these things.

17. What if I got my period right now?

18. Why is she asking about what I studied in school?

19. What is this tool she has here?

20. She really thinks I’m going to let her pry my vagina open with that and all I’ll feel is a little pressure.

21. I’m not sure what she thinks I usually put in there.

22. Great, it’s cold too.

23. Whoa! Okay, that wasn’t what I was expecting.

24. Stay calm. Try to relax.

25. She’s asking you questions. Tell her you can’t relax and answer questions about what you want to do in life at the same time.

26. I need silence.

27. Clamp is coming out. We are finished.

28. How the hell is she going to feel my ovaries?

29. Is it weird she has to use her fingers?

30. I guess it’s her job.

31. Wait, why is she so quiet?

32. What’s wrong with me?

33. Make a noise lady!

34. Maybe I should ask if everything is good down there.

35. Okay, she’s out of there. Let me put my clothes on now.

36. False alarm. She has to feel on my boobs.

37. I have to say, this is the quickest I’ve let anyone get around all the bases. If you catch my drift.

38. That was inappropriate. What’s wrong with me?

39. Why don’t we use gloves for this part?

40. I should probably learn how to do this on my own too.

41. Why so rough? Gentle please.

42. All clear.

43. I can change into normal clothes again!

44. What’s the point of knocking if you don’t wait for me to say I’m ready?

45. Whatever, she’s seen it all. I’ll just keeping changing while she’s talking.

46. Great, a talk about safe sex from my lady doctor.

47. How does my facial expression look?

48. Let me just smile and nod.

49. I’m free!

50. Thank you lady doctor!

51. I have to do this again in six months, really?

52.  Oh crap, there she is in the hallway while I’m walking out.

53. This is awkward, just wave goodbye.

54. She just smiled at me like she knows a secret about me.

55. Oh wait. She just saw my vagina.

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