It’s here, it’s here! We can finally look forward to Monday nights again! And if this first episode is any indication, this is going to be quite the season.
First of all, I completely forgot that JoJo stepped out of the limo in a Unicorn head on Ben’s season. Second of all, Ben was kind of a dick. Luckily, she’s had about 3 months to get over this crushing blind side by a man that she loved and she’s ready for the next! It takes me about three months to get over a dude I don’t know at all not texting me back, but, moving on.
As per usual, we have some former bachelorettes come on to give JoJo some advice about the show. I usually think these segments are a waste of time but I kind of dug watching these chicks gab – mostly because Kaitlin kept it so real. A brief shout out to her for taking us back to her “unfortunately it went a little too far with Nick” experience. Good times, you guys. Good times.
Next – it’s time for the videos. Normally we get three or four, but tonight we had eight! It’s good to get some insight into their lives – you know, get a glimpse behind the curtain. So I always appreciate them. Here are some brief thoughts about the video boys:
- I’m shockingly into Grant and his tats. Real into his firefighter persona and all the firefighter humor he can bring to this season (burnin’ love, etc)
- Lil’ Aaron Rodgers (that is his name from hereon out) – quite the sob story here. Also quite the looker. Hot take – he must make it to hometowns so we can hang out with Aaron Rodgers, right?
- The marine is the Cody of this season – there’s no question. Shot out to Cody Code.
- This Bachelor Superfan makes me sad in my soul. There’s no irony in his video and it gives me sad feelings for him.
- I am not wasting any time on Evan, the pastor turned ED Specialist. This is not a job. This is not a real person. Is he? Is he a real person?
- ALI. ALI. ALI. Big sexy with the piano. Great beard. I have fallen in love.
- Christian has a nice story, he’s nice. Nice boys don’t win this show, Christian.
- Luke. I enjy this country boy and I have high hopes for him. Veteran, cowboy, in touch with his emotions – he may be a front-runner for me for JoJo. Not for myself personally. I can’t live on a ranch.
And next… We have the limos.
Here’s the thing you guys – there’s something different about the Bachelorette. The pranks and gimmicks and jokes really feel WAY more ridiculous than they do on the Bachelor. It just feels so much more unnecessary. I think it may be because there’s something so powerful and sexy about a dude in a well made, well fit, confident suit. Like that’s all you need – just do that.
And while some of the men handled the intros this way (I see you Robby) – we had some horrific limo entrances as well. Don’t we always?
Here is a brief ranking of the limo entrances by cringeworthiness – starting with the worst:
- Will dropping weird index cards and then awkwardly making a not funny joke about said cards. Goodbye forever Will.
- Someone actually dressed as Santa so he could say “Jo Jo Jo” all night. You guys, I hate everyone.
- Vinny pulled out a piece of bread and said he prepared a toast. A toast. Get it? Vinny is hilarious.
- Daniel who makes a Damn Daniel joke, and lists his occupation as Canadian.
- Man in a Kilt told Jojo he wasn’t wearing any panties. Go away, Jonathan.
- James Taylor played the guitar. How many youths are going to buy a James Taylor album for the first time tomorrow expecting it to be this guy but it’s the actual James Taylor? The answer is too many.
- WELLS THE DJ BROUGHT ALL-4-ONE YOU GUYS HOW DID THIS HAPPEN WHAT IS LIFE?! I AM SO IMPRESSED. This is the only trick that worked. Wells gets my rose – and all subsequent roses that I don’t give to Ali.
- Luke rode in on a unicorn. Cheesy but powerfully effective. I told y’all – she’s going to love him.
Now, that that nonsense is done with – we move on to the party.
I’ve said this before, but going on this show is my absolute nightmare. Almost entirely because of this initial cocktail party. The thought of being surrounded by 20 plus people, all interested in the same person, all trying to make small talk with me, all while having to impress someone – I would end up in a corner drunk and sobbing before Chris Harrison could even give his first toast.
A brief synopsis of the dreaded first cocktail party:
Alex does push ups while everyone watches, which in itself is not entertaining, except our douche bag Chad chimes in with “Uh, you BETTER be able to do push ups with a girl sitting on your back.” Like Chad won’t even talk to you if you can’t do that. Do you even lift bro?
Wlll is a complete nightmare. He awkwardly kisses her (and awkward is an understatement here y’all) and it gives me nightmares. Unfortunately for him, immediately following this, she gets a dream worthy kiss by Lil’ Aaron Rodgers.
Not surprisingly, a lot of dudes got drunk. Interrupted her interviews. Slurred, stumbled, gossiped. None of this is new or surprising – when you create a frat house and give people free booze, you gonna get some hammer drunk white boys.
But, I suppose we should address the worst of the worst. His name is Daniel and I feel uncomfortable watching him. As an aside – this dude’s bio was the second worst (second only to Chad). Twice in his bio he referred to his body as a Lambo. Please know that I would never say Lambo, and that is a direct quote from the man himself. After watching this episode, I can say with complete certainty that this man does not, in fact, have a Lamborghini. People like this exist in the world and it upsets me.
Now I know you’re wondering – what was the best of the best? It was Ali. He kept it low key all night, keeping it mellow, keeping it sober, and then he broke out the Beethoven on the piano. Do they always have a piano? Did you guys know that I’m in love with Ali? There’s no way he makes it very far, so I think it’s important that I dote on him while I can.
Is anyone surprised that Lil’ Aaron Rodgers got the First Impression rose? It was either him or Luke. I feel like Lil’ AR is finally stepping into the spotlight that he deserves.
Now – what did surprise me this cocktail party – was seeing Jake P. make his sneak attack appearance right before the rose ceremony. Is it bad that my first instinct was “what is Jake doing here? Doesn’t he know he’s gay?” Probably bad – sorry Jake!
For those unfamiliar with Jake P – he was a former Bachelor. His season was great because he was a pilot so they played that song “On the Wings of Love” a lot. Like multiple times an episode. Other than that his season wasn’t notable, he’s a weird dude, and he chose some crazy 20 year old chick. Shockingly it did not work out. I did, however, enjoy this trick ABC played on us – it really added some drama to this lack luster evening.
Nobody of note left tonight – but that’s to be expected on night one. I do feel like this episode really primed us for this season. I’m really looking forward to what’s in store! From the previews for this season we hear about five men say they love her, Lil’ Aaron Rodgers gets lots of shade thrown, Robby has a girlfriend, and Chad beats some people up. It kind of looks like he may even beat up Chris Harrison. I’m all in.
I’m ready for so much boy drama – I just can’t wait you guys!