WTF Have I Done?! The 12 Stages Of Drunk Texting An Ex

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LONDON - SEPTEMBER 18: A model is seen backstage at the Jenny Packham fashion show as part of London Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2006 at the BFC Tent at the Natural History Museum on September 18, 2005 in London, England. (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images)

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Everyone’s been there. It starts with a few drinks and ends with a lot of regret. It’s the type of thing that sounds like the best idea at the time, but ends up being one of our worst mistakes you’ve made in the last few weeks, which is saying something. And it’s virtually inevitable once you slam back a few tequila shots and hang around drunk couples who are obsessed with each other.

You know what I’m talking about: drunk texting an ex. As someone who knows this all too well, these are the stages of  drunk texting your d-bag ex-boyfriend.

Stage 1: Getting Drunk

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This is honestly the best stage. It’s the fun part of the night where you and your best friends get to have a good time. You blast your favorite songs at the pregame, head to the bar, and throw back shots like you’re a goddamn Rockefeller.

Stage 2: Loneliness
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The fun part is over and things start to go downhill. You were just having the time of your life, but now it’s getting to the end of the night. Half of your friends are with their boyfriends or headed home to them, and the other half ran off with some really hot strangers leaving you alone with a cocktail to nurse your woes.

Stage 3: Remembering the old times

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The more you drink, the more you wander through your incoherent thoughts. You start reflecting back on your past and suddenly you start to miss your ex-boyfriend. Mind you, the drinks allow you to forget the fights, the crying, and the incessant drama that could easily be credited to him being a total d*ck. On the bright side, he looked like a lax bro version of Orlando Bloom and that’s all that really matters right now.

Stage 4: Asking your friends for advice

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You are now contemplating whether or not you should send him a text. But because your mind is afloat with whisky gingers, you’re confused about what you should do. So you do the smartest thing you can think of at the time: ask your equally-drunk friend for advice. Because friends know best, right? Yes, unless they just spent three hours chugging Malibu Bay Breezes and thus encourage your bad decisions.

Stage 5: What’s the worst that can happen?

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So drunk, sad, and lonely you starts to get out your phone. You think, “Why not? What’s the worst that can happen?” As someone who is guilty of this, let me tell you: bad things will happen.

Stage 6: Sending the text

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“Okay, no big deal. It’s whatever!” Wrong. So wrong.

Stage 7: What did I just do?

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While you’re waiting for a response, you start to realize what you’ve done. You try to think of ways you can take it back. How has technology progressed to the point where we can print out 3D limbs, but you can’t take back a text message?! WTF?!

Stage 8:  Why hasn’t he answered yet?!

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You keep checking your phone to see if he’s answered, but he hasn’t. You’re also not sure if you want him to. Your phone probably rings once or twice, but don’t get too excited — it’s probably just the pizza delivery guy. Suddenly the embarrassment starts to sink in.

Stage 9: One more text can’t hurt…
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An hour passes and he still hasn’t answered. You think, “What’s wrong with me?” followed by, “A few more texts wont hurt right?” Yes. Yes they will hurt.

Stage 10: He responds

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Your phone finally lights up and this time it’s not the pizza being delivered to your home, which is equally parts exciting and sad.

Stage 11: You have a conversation

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By now it’s like 3am and drunk you is trying to wrap your head around how this even happened. You have a conversation and probably say some very embarrassing things. Hopefully this conversation ends sooner rather than later.

Stage 12: You wake up… relatively sober

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The final and worst stage. You wake up feeling like you’ve been hit by a bus and the night starts to slowly come back to you. Luckily it’s only in pieces, but as soon as you try to text your roommate about getting hangover breakfast, you see it: the damage you have done and can never take back. With a headache and a phone full of regret, you say goodbye to your dignity until the next drunken night out. 

But seriously — Everyone makes bad decisions, especially after twelve vodka sodas. My advice? Get as far away from your phone as possible when drinking all that booze.

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