How Men of Tinder Will be Spending The Apocalypse

If this were a movie, the apocalypse would involve tons of hellfire and tragedy. Buildings would fall to the ground, oceans would flood beyond the shores and everyone would wail with horror as they were incinerated into eternity. I’d be crying and clinging to a Chipotle burrito with all my might, hoping that I’d go out holding the thing I love most.

For many, The Holy Bible is the greatest indicator of the end of time. And according to some people who take God’s word literally, our last days are upon us. Today, September 30, there will a black moon eclipse and for some people (read: people with a lot of time and misguided faith on their hands) this is a sure sign of destruction. The key is that this latest eclipse occurs in the same month as a solar eclipse, a rare occurrence. For most of us this is a mere coincidence, but for others the Bible’s book of Matthew spells it out, loud and clear in the voice of God, Himself.

Read this in Morgan Freeman’s voice. Or Kim Kardashian‘s. Just pick a voice, it’s your God.

“Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken.”

Seems legit.

If there’s one thing most of us want to do before the heavens begin shakin’ like me when I listen to “Anaconda,” it’s to find true love. I decided to do what any hopeless romantic would do and take to Tinder to ask a group of brave men how they’d spend their final hours. I’m praying that the rapid flashing of their lives before their eyes doesn’t distract them from swiping right.

If this were a movie I would be a Carrie Bradshaw/Liam Neeson hybrid, athletically hopping from building to building, dodging flaming debris and also making sure my Tinder picture looks approachable and friendly but effortlessly hot, like hellfire.



“Did he just SUPER LIKE me?” I’d cry out to my last living companion, a scrappy, talking stray cat with a natural sense of comic timing, as the black moon reached its doomsday crest and the heavens opened.

So how would men on Tinder spend their last 24 hours?

Move Over Ghosting, Mooning is the New Low-Blow Breakup Tactic
Move Over Ghosting, Mooning is the New Low-Blow Breakup Tactic
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