Sleep until noon or 1 every single day and ignore your mom’s sarcasm when she brightly says “Good morning!” as you stumble into the kitchen
Avoid any social obligations with anyone, ever, because you are a busy girl and you need to relax
Complain LOUDLY when there is no more skim milk because what the hell is this establishment? What are you supposed to use on your cereal, 2 percent? What, is this prison?
Drink with your siblings every night
Ask your mom to please get you a glass of water because you don’t plan on moving from the couch anytime soon
Watch 10-20 hours of Netflix a day because you obviously don’t usually have time for such things
Prepare mentally for questions from relatives like “So what do you see yourself doing in five years?” or “How’s your love life?” or “What have you been reading lately?”
Invent an imaginary guy you’ve been seeing–his name is Logan. He’s 25, he’s in med school, and he’s going to be preposterously rich. He supports all of your decisions, and HE doesn’t think you should go back to school to make more money.
Consider working out but then decide that would get in the way of your relaxing time, and besides, you have a cold
Play up your cold to momentous levels—you have the Black Death. You cannot stand on your own. You cannot load the dishwasher. You cannot move.
Consider doing work at home but decide you definitely have time later
Eat everything your mom makes you, and take third helpings. Make sure you save some to take home to “Logan.”
Take naps when “Scandal” gets to be emotionally draining and you need a release
Practice stand-up comedy around your family
Decide you definitely should pursue it, you just have the wrong audience
Argue with your brother about Taylor Swift vs. Bruno Mars and tearfully defend her because she is just so misunderstood. And also if there is a hell, it will be filled with identical fedora-clad Bruno Marses playing Uptown Funk. On loop.
Go to the liquor store by yourself to stock up on wine
Tell your mom that no, you promise you don’t have a drinking problem
Go to movies with your siblings and argue about the plot and what you would review it and how you would improve it if you were to make your own movie company and produce the same movie
Eat everything in the fridge and avoid scales at all costs
Decide to watch every single Harry Potter movie in a row and feel accomplished—no, proud—when you do it
Wear clothes that your mom hates so that she will feel compelled to take you shopping, ex. Mom: “God, I hate that sweater. And those jeans don’t fit you.” You: “Mom, it’s really all I have.”
Scour cute baby pictures of yourself for future Instagrams
Call one of your high school friends to talk about that weird girl whose Facebook says she is pregnant already and what the hell?
Lie in your childhood bed, and remember doing so countless other times in your life. Where has the time gone? Why did you pick this color scheme? Pink looks absolutely absurd with brown. Nothing is pink and brown. Except perhaps a questionable dip-dye job.
Consider your own mortality, study your participation ribbons for Level 3 swimming lessons, and allow tears of inexplicable nostalgia to fill your eyes.
Sabotage every family picture, because God knows you don’t want this to be your Christmas card
Struggle to convince your parents that you are a grown, responsible adult while simultaneously asking if they can please make you a snack; you’re a tad hungry.
Writer. Boxed mac & cheese aficionado. I tried to start a girl-band when I was 12.