Thieves Steal Over $10,000 Worth Of Sex Toys & 30,000 Condoms In Sex Store Heist

Thanks to some popular movie tropes, when we think of a heist we think of action, adventure, clever planning and of course, a lot of money to be made… This is not that heist.

This past weekend, high-end sex toy company LELO was the victim of not one, but two successful break-ins, one after the other. On Friday night, a pair of thieves broke into a warehouse and stole 30,000 Lelo Hex-brand condoms. They returned Saturday morning to steal three boxes of sex toys, estimated to have a value of over $10,000. Both instances appear to be the work of the same people. What was stolen, you ask? The pair made off with 33 Hugo prostate massagers (retail price $219) and 48 Luna Kegel beads ($49). There was also a third box stolen, but no word on what was inside.

This leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Why 33 prostate massagers? Who can go through 30,000 condoms before they expire? I mean really, everything about this is so extra. That’s not even the weirdest part. The company stated that the theft came at a strange time, as they were planning on giving away thousands of condoms for free in a few days anyway.

While the company was upset with the recent turn of events (and rightfully so), they did use the opportunity to release what may be one of the best press releases ever. The blog post, titled “You might Question our Security, but You Can’t Argue with Our Protection, reads:

“‘Celebrity sex toys,’ they said. ‘The best luxury pleasure brand in the world,’ they said. ‘Redefined a stagnant industry,’ they said. And while the press acclaim for LELO grew, and we were all feeling pretty good about ourselves, little did we know that a dark force was growing in strength against us. That force? Greed.

Seriously, somebody at the company had so much fun with this. You can read the full post here. It’s absolutely worth it. Oh yeah, there’s also a security video of the heist on the post, if you’re interested. Maybe you can help identify the sex toy bandits.

“What you see here is the same original rubber bandits returning for a second bite, and in doing so stepping up their criminal game, this time making off with a coooool 33 vibrating butt plugs and 48 Kegel beads. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE THESE PEOPLE HAVING. We could have done the sponsorship or something. A friggin’ invite might have been nice. The good news is that with 30000 HEX™ condoms it’s 30000 times less likely that these miscreants will generate more of themselves. But 33 HUGO™ prostate massagers seems a little excessive even by Vegas standards. One hopes that [the thieves] stole those condoms, got into a time machine, went back 18-25 years (by the looks of it), and presented them all to their own fathers.”

Consider the person that wrote this press release my new best friend. Let’s find these thieves!

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