My foray into online dating was brought on by a variety of factors. It was partially prompted by a nagging curiosity; even though I wasn’t looking for anything specific and I’m personally not so into the hookup scene, I wondered what it was like to participate in the swipe-right-swipe-left app dating culture. In a more concrete sense, my decision to download a dating app at the exact moment I actually did was to provide myself and my friend with some entertainment as we waited in line to see the fantastic Gin Wigmore perform. (Amazing concert, by the way.)
I chose to test out Bumble over Tinder because according to my friends, Bumble’s rule about ladies having to send the first message minimizes the number of unsolicited dick pics that women receive. I went into the experience with no strong expectations. I wasn’t looking to find my soulmate any time soon. About a month out of a long-term relationship, I simply wanted to scope out the casual dating scene and see where things went. I figured that if it went well, I’d get some new friends out of it and if it didn’t, then I’d at least get a little dating practice and some good stories.
My experience with Bumble was positive overall. I was shocked by the sheer number of people that there were to swipe through. In hindsight, that shouldn’t have been surprising, but with so many options available at my fingertips, I felt like a lead on The Bachelorette. I had some nice messenger conversations–most of which fizzled out, but nobody was impolite or crossed any boundaries. Though the idea of having to start every interaction initially sounded intimidating, I grew to enjoy coming up with casual-yet-creative conversation starters.
I even went on a real, live first date. Even though it made me realize that I’m not quite ready to “get back out there” and I deleted the app the next day, it was fun to meet someone outside of my usual social circle and I think that a few of my matches have the potential to become friends of mine down the line.
The guys I talked to were fun to chat with and seemed like they genuinely wanted to get to know me. However, there are always a few that are… Kind of weird. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a casual hookup or a friend with benefits, but even if that’s all you’re looking for, a certain amount of respect should still be a prerequisite to having sex with someone.
There are a few things to keep in mind before you take a look at the bios below. One is that these are all men solely because that is what I listed as my sexual preference on the app. I am sure that there are women out there with equally ridiculous bios. A second thing: no offense intended to these gentlemen–I just found these entertaining. Who knows, maybe you’re lovely in person.
With that in mind, here are 15 ridiculous Bumble bios that I stumbled across during my week-long dating app journey.
1. This proud supporter of Trojan condoms
I’m sure that Trojan is thankful for your support.
2. This guy who honestly prefers Magnum
Maybe you and Kyle should have a friendly debate about which condom brand is superior.
3. This CEO with… Um… A popular product
If you really are the CEO of Pornhub (unlikely), then you’re probably intelligent for filling peoples’ needs… But also, hard pass on this one.
4. This pizza enthusiast
You know, that’s fair enough. I’ll probably like pizza more than I’ll like you, too.
5. This master chef
This one made me laugh because it’s just a little too relatable. Looking back, I might’ve actually swiped right?
6. This guy, whose cons outweigh his pros, but at least he’s upfront about them
Ian seemed like a viable candidate until the line about the nuts–kinda funny, but maybe not the classiest way to introduce your allergies.
7. This athlete
Just… Just no. Sadly enough, I’ve seen this bio at least two other times on completely different guys.
8. This coach
Kind of hilarious, but also not the kind of guy I could introduce to my parents, ya know?
9. This boy who wants to make sure you can’t walk tomorrow
I mean, at least one of his priorities is keeping you satisfied?
10. This Juul-loving frat boy
I still don’t understand the appeal of Juuling. Can somebody please fill me in?
11. This morally ambiguous Bumble user
If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be on here.
12. This guy who’s already planning his divorce and is hating on my dog
I’m sure the beginning was meant as a joke but if I’m your ex-wife before we even start talking, automatic left swipe. Also, why are you hating on chihuahuas? This isn’t going to work out.
13. This aspiring mathematician
What if I just want the Ph and not the D? Is that an option?
14. This very blunt poet
At least he’s straightforward about what he’s looking for.
15. And this boy, whose heart is already taken
Actually, same. This is reasonable. I can settle for second place if your dog is cute.
Yeah, I’m going to live my best single life for a while by ignoring boys and eating copious amounts of chocolate.