I know you guys, I’m tired of the Juan puns, too.
After what seems like no wait at all, the newest season of The Bachelorette is here! I mean really, does it always happen this fast? I feel like we just left Juan in an awkward stuttering mess at After the Final Rose just yesterday. Those were the days.
I have so been looking forward to this season, because here’s why: I feel like Andi will have a solid selection of dudes — smart, dark and handsome, tall, and with real jobs. I know this may be asking for too much, but I just have a good feeling about this one!
The first episode is always hard because nothing really happens, except that we get to meet and judge dudes. And so, that is what I have done for you here. I watched each intro and each of the dude’s first interactions with Andi, and have made some very astute and very educated observations. Enjoy this brief recap of the show, and then get to the judging, which is really what we are all here for.
So… Let’s get started. The season is dedicated to Eric Hill, who tragically died following the shooting of the show. I was really worried about how they were going to handle this, but I think ABC handled it really well and tastefully.
After the introductions, and a little bit of the cocktail hour, we find ourselves in our first semi-drama of the season. Chris P from Emily’s season and Bachelor Pad (get it, Chris) waits 7 days outside the Bachelor mansion with the hopes of getting on the show to date Andi. I think this is bold, and weird, and creepy, and a lot of things. Andi did the right thing in turning him away. Homeboy should have applied to the show like the rest of them!
There was also about a 5 minute mini love fest between Andrew and Patrick who are clearly more interested in falling in love with each other than Andi. They talk about loving each other’s style and how they are on a different level with each other. I think because they are both social media / ad bros. Alright, boys. That’s enough.
Nothing further of note happened at this rose ceremony. Except that I did have some excellent family text conversations during the show that made it all worth watching, including my dad texting me about an hour in with a very simple: “Angela, are you watching this crazy shit?”

That about sums up the 90 minutes we just spent watching these dudes! Now, here are some of my least favorites, and my most favorites… So far!
[Editor’s note: For fun, let’s see if Angela and I have the same opinions on the guys! Find my pre-season judgements here and here.]

YES PLEASE:

Chris: A farmer from Iowa. Initially I have a few questions. Like is he a real farmer who wakes up and plows and all that? Or is he a farmer in the sense that his family owns some kind of conglomerate that he shares stock in? I hear him say he does farm corn and soy and feeds animals, but I just must know more.
JJ: He is a Pantsapreaneur. I love him. He called the show a Love Quest and wore a sharp, sharp, bow tie. He also brought her a pair of pants, to show her how serious he is about his job.
Marquel: Not surprisingly the black dude has the most style of all of the dudes. This is a GOOD looking dude. And he calls her ma’am and I’m not even mad about it. He also baked a bunch of cookies… So. Yeah.
Nick V: Another Chicago boy. He was kind of cute, insanely nervous but in the cute little boy way. Also, once they got some one on one time they really hit it off… Enough for her to give him the first rose. Though I instinctively question people from broods of 12…
DYLAN: Give me some DYLAN. He’s from Boston (which I love). He knows how to rock long hair. He’s charmingly befuddled. I am drawn to him. I hope he loses and then I will move back to Boston and we shall wed.
Ron: I like Ron, his favorite show is Game of Thrones. I read his bio, no big deal.
Nick: He is the professional golfer who had a crazy intro, but I like him. Let me tell you why, fellow Bachelorette fans. He is pulling of the slightly balding look with ease. And I equally love and respect a guy who can do that.
Josh M: This guy is a supa stunna! He’s also the first guy who seems to be taller than her in heels. She is going to fall in love with him immediately.

BUT NO:

Tasos: I am mad about him. I don’t know why, I really don’t know why, but I can’t stand him. Dudes who brag about places they’ve been and languages they speak just really aren’t my bag. Also, am I mistaken, or is he a wedding planner?
Cody: A personal trainer, which I’m sure surprised us all. Also he’s wearing a white v neck under a douchey blazer with a popped collar. Cut it out, Cody. Stop trying to be a roided out Sean Lowe. You will never be Sean Lowe. You will also never be Macklemore. Come on Cody, just be yourself!
Jason. Jason. What is his hair? Why is he so awkward? He gave me a stomachache to watch. Is he for real a doctor? Is he a leprechaun? What IS HE? Unfortunately he left and now we shall never know.
Amal… He told her that his name Anal with an M. Hahahahha. Classic. I truly couldn’t decide if this was a good or a bad thing. But it deserved mention. I am actually sad he left.
Brett is a hairstylist, so that’s okay. And he brought a lamp, which for some reason I found hysterical until I learned he stole it from the hotel. What? What? Absolutely not, Brett. Bring your own lamp ya dummy!