Emerald achieved two great things today. First, she found this incredible site called Emoji Fortunes. Second, she uncovered my true calling in life — to decipher and translate all the emoji fortunes. Obviously I’m super grateful to her because I now know the unbridled potential that lives within me. On this, the first day of the rest of my life as an emoji fortune teller, I want to offer my services out to all of you.
What does your Emoji Fortune say? Take a crack at the fortune cookie, and then leave your fortune in the comments. I’ll do my best to tell you what the universe has in store for you. Enjoy a few sample readings in the meantime…
The mail order bride you requested is actually your aunt.
If you have sex in a tent, you’ll get pregnant with nonuplets.
Your boyfriend is masturbating in the tub.
If you eat dinner while watching Scandal, you might choke on your food when something crazy happens.
Jude Law is going to take you on a date for fish and chips.
You will move to a racially diverse neighborhood.
It’s okay to get in the van with the creepy looking stranger.
Lost your phone? Praise the lord, it’s in San Francisco!
Turn around, you forgot your homework at school.
Asians doing blackface. That’s racist.
That chicken you ordered online has arrived.
