Your choice of summer cocktail literally has nothing to do with who you are as a person can say a lot about you. A woman’s faculties can be wholly accessed by her booze preference. Some of you might be saying, “Balderdash!” To which I would say, “Hells bells, Trudy!” Your lady drink could be leaving you vulnerable as it is the easiest way to expose your true motivations in life. Are you thirsty for penis? Hungry for true love? Sore throat from giving to many Blow Js in the bathroom? Your drink has a lot to say about you. In fact, your drink is a gossipy little bitch who has been three-way calling your exes and getting you to admit how much you miss their rotisserie D. (Rotisserie is a metaphor for delicious because rotisserie chicken is delicious.) Your drink is snitching on you about all the things that make you kinda basic. SWERVE.
You Might Be A Thot
The Bud Light “Rita” line is exclusively known as “Thot Juice.” Basically, you a lady who is turnt up on a sugary, alcoholic beverage, about to get ravenous on the dance floor because your thirst for D is palpable and real. Have you had a Bud Light Rita tonight? Are you grinding on a crotch? Can you feel that wood? You might be a thottie or Beyoncé.
You’re A Broke Ass Intern Who Can’t Afford Shit Else
PBR is always the cheapest thing on the menu. Your broke ass decided it was a good idea to work for free in the summer so that you might have a “future” but free labor can’t pay your bills. You drink PBR because it’s cheap and beer is filling and you can’t afford more than one bagel a day. Tell your friends you’re “carbo-loading.”
You Might Be Basic
Skinny Girl Margarita can only mean one thing: you are basic. Keep counting those calories, girl. Instagram a photo of your drink then pin that shit on Pinterest next to your choice of yoga pants and Olive Garden breadsticks. Don’t worry, no one is rolling their eyes at you. ~_~
You Think You’re Trendy But You’re Not
Phrosties were the hot new “illegal” and “underground” drink that was so exclusive all it took was College Candy adding them on Instagram to get this “super secret” drink delivered to our office building. You think you’re trendy but you’re just drinking Kool-Aid and vodka for $12 a bottle. Spend your hard earned money on a $350 white t-shirt from A.P.C. instead.
You Think You’re Carrie Bradshaw But You’re Really Hannah Horvath
The Pink Cocktail of impending depression. You just started watching Sex and The City. Your basic-ass thinks you’re going to find true love at a dive bar because you ordered the right drink in the right glass, when the only thing you’re going to find is a bad case of crabs, 3 dick pics and a fleeting sense of disillusionment.
You’re Pre-Diabetic And A Free Spirit
Jello Shots ¯_(ツ)_/¯. You grab life by the balls and suck it in, suck it in. Suck that jello shot in. It’s tasty. Anyone who walks into that much alcohol and sugar is the always high, beautifully-on-her-knees-in-the-bathroom-stall, at home by 6AM, wearing the same clothes three days in a row, epic free-spirit. Do you, bb girl but don’t get lost in Neverland. And take off that feather headband, you know it’s cultural appropriation.
You Might Be African American
Alize …… is an alcoholic beverage embraced by the African American community. Now, we all know it’s a drink made in France using cognac and fruit juice (so obviously not only brown people drink it) but we know that here in America, Alize is the drink of us young browns sitting on the precipice of truth, chin resting on knuckles, pondering, “Turn down, for what?”
You Nasty
Flat Keg Beer? You is nasty. Why you still here? Nuh-uh. It is 8AM. Everyone is home. Get out of my house. The party is over. Why are you still trying squeeze out a few drops of nasty, warm, keg beer. You smell. Go home. Shower. Rough life. Times is tough, I know, but you got to go.
You Are A Teenager
Mike’s Hard Lemonade from 7/11. Don’t nobody over 21 drink this nasty shit. You are sixteen and beer is yucky but liquor is too expensive. I am calling your mother. I am telling her. You actin’ a fool. It’s all that Miley Cyrus “We Can’t Stop” business corrupting your young mind.
