This season’s Men Tell All can be summed up in 4 words: Marquel, cookie pins, scarves, racism. Actually, I probably could have stopped at Marquel. Seriously you guys, what a lame Men Tell All. Don’t we usually get more tears and a little fight or two? I’m not counting JJ’s tears or that made up JJ drama because, what?
Now, for the longer recap:
To start off, I suppose I have to discuss Ashley and JP, but I do so reluctantly.
It’s no secret that Ashley and JP are such a great couple, because JP!!! And while I did love the fact that Ashley looked like a normal pregnant woman (not like one of those crazy women who at 16 weeks somehow has a smaller belly than me), I did NOT love this live ultrasound. I did not love this at all.
I have so many questions. How much money did they get paid to do this? What does this technician Greg do on a regular day? Where did he come from? Where did they get these supplies? Where did she get this dress that opens up like that? Why did I need to hear about her fluid? Why is JP the cutest thing in the whole world? Most importantly, are they really naming their child Harrison… After Chris Harrison? I can’t.
17 – this is how many scarves I spotted at first glimpse when we saw the men. I was counting, and I was not disappointed. Luckily, Chris Harrison was just messing with the world. It would appear the producers are up on the twitter discourse of this as the season of scarves. Touche, Chris Harrison. Touche.
All of the recaps shown tonight made me realize how little I knew (or cared) about the majority of dudes this season. I even forgot about Ron, and I loved Ron. Like… really loved Ron. Because he likes Game of Thrones and The Weeknd I like Game of Thrones and The Weeknd. Isn’t that what makes a lasting relationship?
So the night begins (and basically ends) with a 30 minute discourse on racism, because of course. The douche bag racist, I forget his name and I literally don’t even care enough about him to look it up (okay, it’s Andrew), is the absolute worst. This asshole couldn’t even own up to what happened. Just say you said something shitty and move on with your life. Instead, he makes up a lie, he owns up to nothing, and he refers to Marquel as Ron. Confirming to the rest of the world that he actually can’t tell black people apart.
Which brings us to Marquel. What a spectacular human. As I watched Marquel’s recap I just could not understand why Andi didn’t choose him forever. And why I am not married to him. Though I’m unsure I would be able to keep up with his wardrobe. Or his body. Or his scarf and or pin collection (was he wearing a COOKIE PIN?). I didn’t give him nearly enough credit during the season… I have to offer up my deepest, deepest apologies. As Marquel would say, I must have had my head in the cookies.
After the Marquel segment, it was hard for me to have feelings about Marcus. Which is hard to believe considering how heart broken I was when he left two weeks ago. But now he just kind of looks like a baby who strips a lot and who did NOT bring the audience cookies. I was digging his new highlights. But he wasn’t wearing dress socks… Which is something you simply cannot do as a man who crosses his legs as much as he does. No. Just no.
Ok… Is it a spoiler alert if I say that Chris is the next Bachelor? I hope not. If it is, sorry. But it has been confirmed all over the interwebs. I actually tried incredibly hard this season to avoid every possible spoiler, and even I couldn’t avoid this one.
So was this weird thing where a strange (surprisingly fully mic’d!) woman in the audience came up asking Chris where he is going to find love and blah blah blah all a ploy to prepare us for the Bachelor announcement? Because that’s what I thought… Yet the announcement never came. This was THE MOST AWKWARD THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Also she doesn’t live in Iowa so they’re not going to date.
Surprisingly, all of this has happened before Andi even came out.
I have literally no comments on her time on the show tonight. None. Is that normal? I still have no idea who she is going to choose. But I did believe she was pregnant for a hot minute, because she’s saucy like that. You got me, Harrison. You got me.
I think the take away from this episode is: DYING FOR BACHELOR IN PARADISE. This preview made me so happy inside. Everyone saying I love you and saying that they are kissing everyone but thinking of other people and grown men crying everywhere and Marquel in great hats and ‘roided Cody wearing some great floral prints. You guys. This is going to be everything.
[Lead image via]
