Just over a month ago I embarked on my first catfishing experience.
Let me be clear, I didn’t do this with the intention of actually catfishing and hurting someone. I don’t really have time for real dating, let alone fake dating — let’s be real. Instead, I teamed up with a friend, George, to test the limits of online dating.
Going into this experience, I just wanted to see a man’s reaction to the messages women get. You ladies know what I’m talking about. The “Why aren’t you sitting on my face right now,” “Nice boobs,” “U look lyke a freak lol,” “Are you looking for a sugar daddy,” “You look like you’re into hotdogs”-type messages.
Dudes don’t get messages like this — period, and I was extremely curious to see George’s response. Of course, he was mortified, we had some good laughs, and even responded to a few of the extra crazies. To be honest I think he got a little too into responding to the crazies and putting them in their place — I guess we all need a catfishing masked man vigilante to finally set the crazies straight. He’s available for consultations and snarky diatribes. The mask is optional.
Over the course of the month we received quite a number of horrifying messages. There were a few dudes who actually tried and seemed semi-normal (don’t worry, we didn’t mess with them—I didn’t want anyone to get hurt in this experience). But, we did manage to put together a fairly colorful list of some red flags to avoid the next time you are on a dating site — from a dude’s perspective.
1. If you want someone who says they’re looking for someone who is sexy and intelligent but can’t spell intelligent, just…don’t.
2. If their profile photo is of a shirtless Josh Holloway… they are not to be trusted. This is a bold faced lie and it offends me on a very deep level.
3. Any aggressive follow-up message after you ignore the first message. You owe nothing to these people. Nothing! Don’t follow up if you don’t want to follow up. Anything aggressive in regards to that is just bullshit, and anyone that pushy online would probably insist on laying your clothes out for you and weighing your bowel movements to make sure you were eating what you said you were eating.
4. If they exhibit an obvious contempt for dating sites, there’s a problem. If they are overly judgy about people on dating sites, but they are on a dating site, there are some serious self-loathing issues there. Also, dude is probably kind of a dick.
5. Don’t respond to this message: “Are you looking for great sex or something?” If this needs to be explained further, you are hopeless. It will only end in herpes.
6. Any time a message sounds like it’s a copy and paste message, it probably is. Trust me, we found this out. Multiple times. Several of the people who emailed Kat, our catfishing persona, also sent the exact same message to myself. Key phrases to watch out for: “nice eyes,” “I saw your profile this morning,” “Hey, I’m new in town from Ireland…”
7. If his profile picture is a picture of him and his kid. Ironically, George has a child, so this isn’t him throwing some shade on people with kids. Kids are fine (if you’re fine with it), but advertising his kid on a dating site, as some kind of marketing tool, is not a healthy use of the medium.
8. If they open with a marriage proposal…keep walking, hero.
9. If someone offers to fly you somewhere for a promotional party—they will expect anal. Again, this seems something that should be self-explanatory, but maybe there are girls out there (okay, me) who see a free flight to Orlando as a free trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. But George has confirmed this is not the way this invitation would go down. I know, I was depressed about it too.
10. Anytime someone offers to write your name on a garage door in anything’s blood, I would suggest running. Like, really running. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, but even then…run… they’re probably into that too.
Maybe these red flags are old news to you, maybe you’re a jaded online dater and you’ve seen it all. But if you’re new to online dating, trust me—heed the warning signs. It will save you time, data usage, and maybe keep you from getting your face made into a jaunty winter cap.
[Lead image via wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock]
10 Red Flags to Look Out For on Dating Sites (According to a Dude)
