We made it to the last week of Bachelor in Paradise! And while I literally have no concept of how long this journey took IRL, I have to say, I am quite sad that it has come to an end.
ACT ONE:
The big twist is that Chris Harrison had teased last week was simply this: by the end of that day, each of the couples has to decide whether to stay together or break up. For some reason, this causes Michelle Money to start deep sweating, and jump to the marriage conclusion.
I can’t decide if it’s more awkward for couples who just started dating 2 days ago, or the couples who started dating 4 weeks ago. Honestly, I have no idea what the actual time frame is here, but let’s go with that.
Ashlee’s feelings for Graham are very bizarre. She talks about him as though he is a deity, and even says that her sole goal in their relationship is to serve him, and love on him, and make him feel good. Betch is nuts.
So in my humble opinion, I am obsessed with the conversation that Michelle has with Graham. MM sees what a psychopath AshLee is, and she’s right—it would have been a total shame for him to leave her with her. He absolutely would have looked like an idiot. And Graham deserves way better. Mostly, he deserves me.
After MM corners him and tells him AshLee is a phoney, I still was convinced Graham was going to be talked out of his decision by the mere sight of AshLee’s boobs—but he stands strong. God dammit this is impressive! And AshLee surprisingly handled their break up like a normal person. It actually was a little sad. Mostly only for Graham because he was having actual post break up thoughts, like: “It’s hard to say goodbye to the concept of loving someone.” Slow clap, Graham. Slow clap.
So after Graham and AshLee call it quits, and by this of course I mean he dumps her, they both just leave! This is kind of a bummer for them.
Tasos and Christy had a very speedy conversation. The two of them were dating only to continue to get roses, not to form a bond. Same thing with Zack and Jackie. So these two couples both also leave. It all happened so quickly!
Sarah and Robert are in the bag, they decided to stay very cutely. Lacy and Marcus didn’t even need to have the conversation because they are married. Michelle is the only one who really has to figure it out. Luckily, she doesn’t have to decide… She let’s her daughter decide. Her daughter might be 10. Their phone conversation was definitely a gossiping brunch conversation between two middle-aged women, and I hated it. #codependent #friendsnotkids #someonesgoingtohavemommyissues
ACT TWO:
Once we cut the dead weight away of the fake relationships, we get the second twist of the night. Overnight dates!!! And all the ladies are ready for the “implications” that come with an overnight. And I know this because of their cleavage. I mean, there was some impressive boob action happening tonight.
Sarah is just ready for Robert to get to know her all the way. I believe she says, “I hope he goes deep.”
Lacy and Marcus say they love each other. Blah blah blah. I am still super over Lacy and Marcus.
Speaking of things that Cody has that are big enough… I about died when Michelle Money started talking about the size of his peen. Yes, on national TV, she said she was worried he would be small because he’s so muscular. But that maybe she would be surprised and it would be just as muscular as he is. I die.
But apparently she was not disappointed, as her first video interview after the overnight was her yelling about how sore and satisfied she was. And then Cody flexed his muscles and did a little Tarzan scream. I have no idea what I am watching anymore.
This was such an insane episode. I loved it because usually on this show everyone pretends the fantasy suite isn’t all about sex. Not tonight! Sarah talks about trying to take off Robert’s pants. Michelle talks about how big Cody’s member is and all the places they had sex. And how good he is at it! This was not editing (ok, her saying she was sore and satisfied may have been an edit). But I don’t even care! This was amazing.
The only 2 people who didn’t get laid on this overnight are Sarah and Robert. In fact, Robert slept with his jeans on. I felt very, very sad for Sarah.
Anyways. Good on Sarah for letting go of Robert. She went with her gut, and she was probably right. Not good on Robert, dude didn’t say anything redeeming. He clearly wanted things to end, but didn’t have the balls to do it himself. Whatever, Robert, I don’t even know what season you were on.
Luckily, we have some old favorite couples from the franchise back here to give them some real world advice. This was cute. I always enjoy seeing Sean and Catherine. However, the very best thing that came of this was that, by finally seeing Sean and Cody in the same room, we can finally confirm they are not the same person.
At the end of this season, we are left with two happy couples. First we have Michelle and Cody who are going to continue to date and do push ups on each other and stuff. Then, we have Marcus and Lacy, WHO GOT ENGAGED. This was kept such a secret we didn’t even get any Neil Lane up in here!
What are the odds these two couples are going to stay together? I say slim to none.
I also have to say the biggest flaw with putting a bunch of rejects together on the island of misfit Bachelor contestants, is that I do not like Lacy or Marcus. In fact, I kind of hate them. So I don’t really care at all about their future, and I definitely wouldn’t buy champagne and wedding cupcakes for their wedding. Which I totally did for Sean and Catherine’s wedding and I am not ashamed.
But, even with all that, this was an amazing few weeks. The bloopers and the updates were quite possibly my favorite 10 minutes of television all summer. And of course, it definitely made the time between Bachelor seasons fly by. Cannot wait for Chris’ season of The Bachelor!
[Lead image via]
Awkward Breakups and Fantasy Suite Coitus: “Bachelor in Paradise” Recap, The Finale
