It’s a brand new day. You have the entire world at your fingertips. Well, okay maybe just a long list of Netflix movies you’ve been meaning to watch and a group chat you’ve been neglecting. But, either way, it’s a fresh start—a day where nothing has happened yet and you still have every chance of ruining it for yourself. There are so many things that can go your way, yet so many things that probably won’t. Below are some foul-proof ways to make sure this will most definitely be a miserable day for you:
1. Hit snooze as many times as possible.
Toss, turn and grumble as the sun seeps in through your blinds, inviting you to join the chirping birds in a new endeavor. Hit snooze enough times that it eventually stops attempting to wake you at all. Even if you have somewhere you need to be, fall back asleep, and wake up in an all out-scramble 40 minutes later, far past any possibility of making it on time. Give yourself a measly nine minutes to look as least distressed as possible before you stumble out the door.
2. Stay as isolated and anti-social as possible.
Don’t engage in conversation with friends or families– not even through your phone. Social outings and interactions are likely to lift your spirits and make you smile… maybe even laugh. Definitely do not put on any uplifting music—or any music for that matter. Supposedly, certain audios can actually make you feel happier and more upbeat. While there certainly are playlists that will make you want to weep and ponder life’s despairs, you might stumble across something that inspires you in the process, so better avoid Spotify altogether. The point is make sure the only thing you are trapped with all day are your own negative, ruminating thoughts.
3. Say “no” to everything.
The more requests and invitations you accept, the higher the chances are of you having a surprisingly-pleasant time and perhaps meeting new people you enjoy being around. Don’t let this be an option. You never know; even the most cringe-worthy commitments can end up being fun. Better not chance it.
4. Don’t take any time for yourself.
Breaks are for the healthy…the level-headed. Don’t be like them. Your best bet in making sure you are as miserable as humanly possible is to go the entire day without coming up for a sip of fresh air or relaxation. Don’t rejuvenate. Hell, don’t even drink water. (It may speed up your metabolism and increase your productivity—which, in turn, will probably have you feeling more accomplished.) Just spend as much time as possible throwing all your energy, attention and emotion into other people and situations (bonus points if they are toxic!), leaving no opportunity to check in with how you’re feeling.
5. Eat a really unhealthy meal.
The less quality nutrition you consume, the more likely you are to be crabby. Get some greasy fast food and eat even after you’re full. Eat fast and don’t chew too much. The less you taste, the less you enjoy. Inhale that Big Mac and have no remorse for that large fry.
6. Save the task you’re least looking forward to for last.
If you tackle that bad boy, whether it’s going to the gym, calling your grandmother, or re-doing your resume, first thing in the morning, you will have less to dread throughout the day. Savor it so you have something taunting you as the hours pass. Bonus points if it has a nearing deadline.
7. Look at everything you do as a hassle.
The more exaggerated you can project the pain and trouble of what you’re faced with, the faster your mood will plummet. By no means should you look at anything you have to deal with as an opportunity. Nothing is an adventure— everything is an ordeal. Perspective needs to be kept in check.
8. Definitely do not exercise.
Don’t be tempted by those tricky endorphins. They want to convert you to the other side, to make you feel stronger and more optimistic than you actually are. Do not give them a platform for control. You will make them lose and, in doing so, you yourself will lose as well.
