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Open relationships are becoming less and less taboo, and slightly more mainstream. An open relationship is one in which a couple is committed to each other while agreeing to have other needs — sexual or emotional — fulfilled elsewhere. This is different from cheating on your significant other, as it is something that has been communicated and previously agreed upon. Think about how many relationships you know that have ended because of infidelity. An open relationship may very well be a significant step in preventing this problem.
It turns out that this arrangement is more common than one might think. According to Scientific American, 4-5% of Americans are looking outside of their primary relationship for sex and love. Monogamy may be the most widely accepted romantic setup, with it being a common commitment practice in which one partner is in charge of fulfilling the other’s needs completely. That arrangement simply doesn’t always work for every unique relationship or individual need.
Monogamy literally goes against biology, as humans aren’t necessarily naturally made to mate with one person for life. According to Dossie Eaton, sex therapist and author of The Ethical Slut, the idea that monogamy is the only way to a real and long lasting relationship is a myth. “Lifetime monogamy as an ideal is a relatively new concept in human history and makes us unique among primates. There is nothing that can be achieved in a monogamous relationship that can’t be achieved without one.” Is this true? And if so, who does this work for?
While monogamy might be rewarding in its own right, being judgmental of those who don’t subscribe to the traditional setup is simply unfair. From a biological standpoint, it makes sense on some level to have your needs fulfilled in different ways and possibly by different people. If this is something you and your partner have agreed upon, then theoretically no one gets hurt.
But the intrinsic or emotional parts of us know this might not work. A big myth surrounding open and polyamorous couples is that those involved don’t get jealous. Instead, according to Janet Hardy, co-author of the Ethical Slut, they learn to channel their jealousy in a more productive way. “By blaming the feelings on their partners, [most monogamous people] are able to make problems someone else’s fault. That way, they don’t have to feel responsible for figuring out what’s causing the feelings, or for finding a solution.” Those who have elected to allow their partner extra-relationship sex “don’t have that luxury. You don’t get to distract yourself from your feelings of loss, sorrow, insecurity or whatever by diverting them into anger toward him [or her.]”
What’s interesting about jealousy in open relationships is that it can push you to your psychological limits, allowing a new level of closeness with your partner, giving them the chance to reassure you. Hardy writes about jealousy calling it a “gift, although it doesn’t feel like one. It means that you get to make yourself stronger by figuring out what triggered your jealousy and working to solve it.”
However, this process can be terrifying. By opening up your relationship, you’re opening yourself up to a possible world of hurt. All those fears you have, maybe worries about your partner finding someone better or falling in love with someone else, are brought to the surface. If an open relationship is something you and your significant other are considering, you will have to be willing to fight and work through all your insecurities. This is why monogamy is the clearer answer to some couples. There is no “right” way to have a relationship, there is only what works best for you and your significant other.
So what is the best way to go about this?
If monogamy is not working for you and your partner, for any number of reasons, but you want to remain committed to one another, perhaps consider opening up your relationship. Be warned that the only way to do that successfully is through an agreement on your own terms with plentiful communication. Decide up front what kind of open relationship this is. Is it strictly a sexual one, or finding emotional support elsewhere?
Secondly, consider why you are doing this. Is it to save an ailing relationship, to keep your partner around, or is it something you genuinely believe can bring fulfillment to both of you? If your answer was anything but a genuine, supportive desire to try it, then absolutely reconsider.
Open relationships work best in a couple with a lot of pre-established trust and communication. If one person is blindsided and just doesn’t want to try it, the open arrangement will never work. “You will be forced to do hard emotional work that you never chose to do,” according to Eaton. This shock and surprise could lead to built up resentment. Or, the emotional work could, according to Eaton, “find a path that allows your relationship to continue, that allows you to grow and change together.” The shock of your monogamous partner asking to open up your relationship will not go away, it is a Pandora’s box that must be addressed. But ultimately, both parties in the relationship have the option to choose, whether that is opening a relationship or choosing to separate.
It takes a lot of trust to know that someone you love is fulfilling their needs elsewhere but will still come back to you. This is especially tough when there are multiple people involved, making it even more complex. It takes faith in the relationship, stable ground and the genuine desire to open up your love to other people. Dossie Eaton says, “It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with. Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.”
Whether this is a philosophy you buy into is completely up to you and your partner, and what you feel is best for your relationship. Whatever you choose, what matters is you both are happy, healthy and communicative.
