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I really can’t describe how I feel because I’ve never felt this way before, so it’s a very weird and uneasy feeling, but I need to get these feelings out somehow. I’m upset and angry and I feel very betrayed. But I am also so infatuated with this person, and can’t let him go, and all of those feelings are valid.
I met a guy and the way we made each other feel was so unexpected and I think it freaked the both of us out because it happened so quickly. I knew from the second I started talking to him that it was different because it felt like I was talking to somebody that was brought to me for a reason and I had already known for a long time. Everything fell into place immediately. Our interests both small and large were so similar but different in ways. He wasn’t somebody that held back and he was older than me and I thought he was a man. I hadn’t even met the guy in person and I already had this feeling in my stomach that I can’t really put into words. I knew I had to meet him. I was scared because I had never just met a stranger in person. I’m just not like that. I’ve talked to people on different dating apps but I usually get too scared and insecure, but this was different.
The ride to his apartment was a total blur. What the hell was I doing just showing up at this guys’ apartment, having never met him before in my life, and I’m gonna do what? What the fuck is going to happen? I got there and he opened the door and we hugged. I was happy. He’s tall and cute. I was wearing something comfortable, but cute and obviously still kept it fashionable. He also loves fashion and keeping up with trends and stuff. So hot. He’s also 6’3 so like… just imagine what he looks like when he’s in his work clothes. I’m really happy with how it went the first night. We just talked and watched some basketball and we ordered in dinner from my favorite place and just had fun. His roommate was with us too, therefore, we weren’t kissing. We just had fun in each others company and it was cool because it felt very natural and I don’t know if I truly expected that. I have so many doubts about peoples intentions and that’s due to my own lack of confidence. I am confident in myself and I know I am special. But I am so afraid of being hurt and taken advantage of that I have a hard time letting people in. And I don’t know why I felt so differently about this guy. It just felt right.
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That night, after his roommate went to bed, we went into his room and watched Planet Earth on Netflix (important) and cuddled. Still no kissing. After the episode was over though, we started making out and I didn’t know that I would feel so comfortable and accepted in such a short amount of time. For some reason, I trusted him. But now come to think of it maybe it’s because I’ve grown to trust myself more, that I felt I could trust him. I had never been with somebody like him. He truly checked off every single one of my boxes and that’s just never happened to me before. He exudes this confidence and strength that I don’t think he is even aware of. He was so much taller than me and when we cuddled I felt secure, protected and taken care of. Silly that that’s what makes me feel good but his embrace when we’d lay in bed together felt right. I felt loved. And I’m angry at myself that I allowed this affect how I view myself. I was happier when I was with him. When I left that night I knew that we would see each other again. Not only because he made sure I liked bagels before I left, but because I just spent 6 and a half hours with this guy.
I went to his apartment again the next night and I slept over. We didn’t have sex and I was totally okay with that. He had work the next morning and had to be up early so I wasn’t really planning on sleeping over, but I did. He said he wanted me to stay and it was really late so to hell with it. I loved how he held me and how we would seriously wrap our bodies around each other. We were silly. We just had so much fun and didn’t take each other too seriously. It felt good. He showered in the morning and we picked out his outfit. He looked snatched. I felt like the luckiest girl in the freaking world. I found an unbelievable guy who seriously made me feel loved and made me laugh, and I couldn’t believe it. I knew I had to stay calm because I didn’t want to fuck this up. He called a car for me and I went home.
I had a busy day that next day and had a party that night. He works pretty late so we didn’t speak much during the day. When I was at the party though we were texting and he told me he intentionally stayed in. I regret what I responded to him now. I felt wanted and I gave in so quickly. I just met the guy, I shouldn’t have come off looking so available and almost desperate. I was just really happy whenever I was with him and he was such a good deter from the people I spend my day to day life with. He was really special. I told him I’d try to get home as early as possible and save him. I shouldn’t have said that. I ended up leaving the party at 10 o’clock and he wanted me to come over. I had already been at his apartment two nights in a row so I wanted him to come to my place for a change. We live super close. My roommate wanted to meet him and I let him know that. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have said anything. But he came over. And he slept over.
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We had a great night. It was the best night of the three. I saw a side of him that was real, so I thought. We were laying in bed together and reading his twitter feed, when he got a text from a girl that said, “wanna bang?” I saw it. I read it. I’m not dumb. And I’m also not a weiner so I said something. “Are we gonna pretend I didn’t see that or….” He says, “Well, this is awkward.” “No it’s not, just tell me what’s up”, I said. He went on to tell me that this girl was just some other girl and that I shouldn’t worry because he has been with me every night for three consecutive days. And he continued to rhetorically ask what he’d be getting out of anything with the girl that texted him to which I responded, “Nothing”. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t going to fight him. I couldn’t do anything besides trust him. He wants to go and be with other girls, go do you. We weren’t an exclusive thing, I’m just having fun and enjoying being with him, ya know? Let’s just communicate and be on the same page. I have zero problems, as long as you’re honest. The rest of the night was great.
He left the next morning and then I didn’t see him until 2 days later. It was the weekend and he has a life and did his own thing. I thought we would hang out on Sunday night but he texted me and asked if it would be selfish if he did some work he had to get done and we could see each other after work on Monday. I obviously said no problem. I don’t really know if he was telling me the truth. I want to believe he was doing work but ever since he got that text from that girl, I was more doubtful than before. But I liked him. I liked being with him.
On Monday, he texted me if he could come cuddle after work and he meant straight from work. That night I got home from therapy at the same time he got to my apartment so I met him outside my building. Watching him walk down the street made me sweat. I am going to bed with this man next to me? What the fucking fuck? Is this real life…. It was real. He came up to my apartment and we first were just relaxing and watching TV with my roommate. Then I got up and told him to come into my room. Never in my life have I met a guy that hasn’t tried to get me to have sex with them, until I met him. And I don’t know why he was this way. He just wanted to lay there with me and hold me. And I was more than okay with that, just laying next to him and kissing him. Yes, we did other things but that’s not what’s important. Being with him was important.
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Valentines Day was two days away and I wanted to spend it with him. I am a very low maintenance girl and don’t expect to be showered with materialistic anything nor did I want to do anything serious on Valentines Day that made him think I wanted more than I did. I don’t know if I shouldn’t have said anything but I don’t necessarily regret saying it. All I said was, “Do you want to do something on Wednesday?” And he responded and asked if I wanted to plan something. I told him no and that I am okay with doing anything as long as we were together and having fun. He seemed fine. I didn’t scare him away, so I thought. He didn’t sleep over because he had work the next morning and that’s a thing for people who have full-time jobs. I wouldn’t know. When he left, I stood up on my bed and he picked me up and kissed me and then he threw me down on the bed and we kissed again. I didn’t want him to leave and he didn’t want to leave. But he had to. I walked him out and he kissed me two more times and said bye about 10 more times before he finally left.
Little did I know that that would be the last time I’d see him. Why? I’m still asking myself the same thing.
I spent Valentine’s Day alone.
