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COLLEGECANDY Writer

John - UConn

1. I turn my pillow over to the cool side about seven hundred times each night. 2. After college, I'm going to secede from the Union and become the King of Taco Bell.
Articles Written
96
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LATEST ARTICLES WRITTEN
Apr 11, 2010

Overheard: Things We Like to Do

(Girl, bringing a drink back to a table.) Guy: Whad'ya get? Girl: It's a gimlet. Guy: Oh. We usually freeze those. Or put them in the gravy.

Mar 28, 2010

Overheard: Hand-to-Boob Combat

(Two girls, on a campus bus.) Girl 1: So did they have sex? Girl 2: No, they boarded Penetration Station but the train never left.

Mar 21, 2010

Overheard: What Am I Made Of

(Guy and girl in tour group, walking through campus.) Guy: Flying's weird. Turbulence feels like you're ... hitting a ton of small animals, or something. Girl: Ohh-kay. Don't know you well enough for that kind of humor yet.

Mar 14, 2010

Overheard: Maya on Faya

(Guy, girl, in a restaurant.) Guy: I've heard from Davis and Florida State. Girl: Wait, Florida State? Where's that?

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Mar 7, 2010

Overheard: The Rumpus Room

(Girls, talking at dinner.) Girl: Today was horrible. Girl 2: Yeah? Girl 1: I had the worst headache. It was so bad, I couldn't pee.

Overheard: Human Sized Hamster Ball

(Two girls, walking) Girl 1: OK, we take this to the grave. Girl 2: Yeah, no one can find out. Girl 1: Kinda like the time I cried in the Lizzie McGuire movie. Girl 2: Or when you peed on Stacie's boots

Feb 21, 2010

Overheard, With Feeling

(Girls, at breakfast.) Girl 1: How was the party? Girl 2: Weird. Some guy and his girlfriend trapped me in the bathroom all night.

Feb 14, 2010

Overheard: Go Watch the Super Bowl Instead

(Girls, watching television in the lounge.) Girl 1: I just like Peyton and beer. Girl 2: I'd hit Peyton. I'd hit his chin, too, if he had. one.

Feb 7, 2010

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Jan 31, 2010

Overheard: Dry Heaves

(Two girls, walking.) Girl 1: So how was last night? Girl 2: It was great. Craziest sex I've ever had.... But I'm worried. I think he might like me.

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Jan 24, 2010

Overheard: I Was One of Those Ships

(Girl, on the phone.) Girl: Uh, just so you know, that pee in the bed last night was yours, not mine.... Yeah I'm sure.... No as soon as I heard that coming out I grabbed my pants and ran out.... Yeah, I'll need to come get my bra later.

Jan 17, 2010

Overheard: Slim Pickings

(Girl, complaining in the student union lounge.) Girl: I used to like Gaga, you know, back when I thought she was a hermaphrodite. Like, I'd watch her, and I'd be like "yeah, this is good, I like this," but I was always on my toes. Because you never know when something might just - pop out! It was exciting.

Jan 10, 2010

Overheard: Son of Sam Eagle

(Two guys, in the lunchroom.) Guy 1: I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Awesome. Guy 2: Plawsome. Guy 1: No.

Jan 3, 2010

Better of Best of Overheard, 2009

(Two girls, walking through the mud after a football game.) Girl 1: I want to make a really inappropriate joke. Girl 2: Is it a Trail of Tears joke? Girl 1: Okay, yeah.

Dec 27, 2009

Overheard: The Best of The Best Of 2009

(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.) Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it. Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.

Dec 20, 2009

Overheard: Finals Edition

(Two girls, studying in the library.) Girl 1: Yeah, I'll probably start sleeping here too. Under the tables or something. Girl 2: No, I said "sleeping with girls" in the library. That's different. Girl 1: Oh. Yeah, I guess it is.

Dec 13, 2009

Overheard: I Think I Look Good in Your Body

(Two guys in class, before lecture starts.) Guy 1: My girlfriend broke up with me, and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed. Guy 2: Ouch. Guy 1: Yeah, I sent them to her dad.

Dec 6, 2009

Overheard: Inappropriate!

Two girls, walking through the mud after a football game. Girl 1: I want to make a really inappropriate joke. Girl 2: Is it a Trail of Tears joke? Girl 1: Okay, yeah.

Nov 22, 2009

Overheard: Burned To a Crisp

(Two girls, coming out of an exam.) Girl 1: Bombed it. That was terrible. Girl 2: I think I did okay, actually. Girl 1: And - damnit! And I forgot to water my veggies in FarmVille!

Nov 15, 2009

Overheard: Bad Bromance

(Two girls in the dining hall.) Girl 1: I know. I'm the best wing man ever! Girl 2: Well, who's your wing man? Girl 1: (Pointing to her breasts and shimmying) I've got two.

Nov 8, 2009

Overheard: Two Feet To My Left

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.) Guy: You girls don't need your buns toasted, do you? Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Girl 2: Heh heh. No. Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns

Nov 1, 2009

Overheard Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts

(Two guys at a giant party.) Guy 1: What? The cops are coming now? Guy 2: Yo, don't touch my ass, bro. Guy 1: I'll touch your ass. I'll touch your ass as much as I want.

Oct 25, 2009

Overheard: Mr. Darcy is Batman

(One girl, leaning across the aisle during class.) Girl 1: Hey... hey. Girl 2: What? Girl 1: Have you ever been to CakeFarts dot com?

Oct 18, 2009

Overheard: The Monster Mash

(Girls meeting up in the morning.) Girl 1: What'd you do last night? Girl 2: Not much. Watched a lot of the Batman animated series. Felt a lot of inappropriate things.

Oct 11, 2009

Overheard: Toilet Ale

(Girl, talking to friends.) Girl: I always imagined that you could just use the Force on your shoes, and fly. But then I guess you'd have to use the Force on all your other clothes, too, or you'd just be getting dragged around the sky by your feet.

Oct 4, 2009

Um, Overheard, Okay

(Linguistics professor, introducing a grammar topic.) Prof: This is grammar. Grammar is not love. It's sphincter-like. (Kid in a class.) Guy: Professor, I'm sorry I wasn't in class last week. I was sick with Hulu.

Sep 27, 2009

Overheard: Crim Pin Bill

(Guys in a public library.) Guy: So I was reading The Babysitter's Club, and I guess Grandma had a really cool secret. But chapter books are too much for me these days, so I just flipped to the back to find out what it was. Turns out Grandma just had breast cancer.

Sep 20, 2009

Oh Hi, Overheard

(Girl, in an English class.) Girl: Wasn't that, you know... the British lady. Madeline Albright? No. Madeline L'Engle. Professor: Margaret Thatcher? Girl: Yeah. That one.

Sep 13, 2009

Overheard: I Am Breaking Up With You

(Girl at a restaurant.) Girl, to waiter: Can we have some more of these pumpkin things? Waiter: You mean the burgers? Girl: Is that it? Yeah, sure.

Sep 6, 2009

Overheard: Freshmeat

(Girls, introducing themselves in class.) Girl 1: I'm Brenna. Girl 2: Hi! I'm Margaret, but you can call me Murphy. Girl 1: Huh. How'd you get that nickname? Girl 2: When I was born, my dad said it was Murphy's Law.

Aug 30, 2009

Overheard: Parks and Recreation

(Older student, talking to high schooler on campus tour.) Student: There's actually a statistic, I think, something like 30 percent of the liquid of water parks is urine. High schooler: Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. That's about right. Student: What the f***? No it's not! That would be disgusting!

Aug 23, 2009

Overheard: Teeny Whoppers

(Guy crying, late at night, on the curb outside an apartment.) Guy: I don't see why it's so hard! I just love ... dancing! And makeup! (Guy, talking on the phone.) Guy: It was like being in the same room as a snake and a mongoose. Except, instead of a mongoose, she was a woman.

Aug 16, 2009

Overheard: Off The Sofa

(Guy and a girl, talking loudly at a Thai restaurant.) Guy: Wait, what did you say? I'm the queen of miscommunication? Girl: No! No, I said I was - Guy: Well. This is ironic.

Aug 9, 2009

Overheard: Making Rainbows

(Old people sitting down in a restaurant.) Old Lady: Oh, in my industry, we only have one joke. Customers ask, 'Which vacuum is the best?' And I say, 'Oh, they all suck.' Ha! Ha ha ha!

Jul 26, 2009

Overheard: Arfken, Dog Wizard

(Two guys, talking next to a weight bench.) Guy 1: We skied a whole bunch last winter. Do you partake? Guy 2: Yeah, sometimes. You're talking about cocaine, right?

Jul 19, 2009

Overheard: Big Piece of Lame

(Guy, talking on the phone.) Guy: I have the best story. Dude, it's crazy. So I was in the darkroom, and this girl was developing... like, these naked pictures, right? And they looked kinda like her. So I went over, and... I asked her, "hey, is that you?" And she was like "yeah". Geez. Best day of my life.

Jul 12, 2009

Overheard: Boink!

(Two girls, at a sobriety checkpoint.) Officer: Where are you girls off to? Girl 1: Nowhere. Just carrying tons of booze around in our car for no reason. Officer: That's not funny, you know. Girl 1: Sorry, Officer.