(Girl, bringing a drink back to a table.) Guy: Whad'ya get? Girl: It's a gimlet. Guy: Oh. We usually freeze those. Or put them in the gravy.
(Two girls, on a campus bus.) Girl 1: So did they have sex? Girl 2: No, they boarded Penetration Station but the train never left.
(Guy and girl in tour group, walking through campus.) Guy: Flying's weird. Turbulence feels like you're ... hitting a ton of small animals, or something. Girl: Ohh-kay. Don't know you well enough for that kind of humor yet.
(Guy, girl, in a restaurant.) Guy: I've heard from Davis and Florida State. Girl: Wait, Florida State? Where's that?
(Two girls, walking) Girl 1: OK, we take this to the grave. Girl 2: Yeah, no one can find out. Girl 1: Kinda like the time I cried in the Lizzie McGuire movie. Girl 2: Or when you peed on Stacie's boots
Feb 21, 2010
(Girls, at breakfast.) Girl 1: How was the party? Girl 2: Weird. Some guy and his girlfriend trapped me in the bathroom all night.
Feb 14, 2010
(Two girls, walking.) Girl 1: So how was last night? Girl 2: It was great. Craziest sex I've ever had.... But I'm worried. I think he might like me.
(Girl, on the phone.) Girl: Uh, just so you know, that pee in the bed last night was yours, not mine.... Yeah I'm sure.... No as soon as I heard that coming out I grabbed my pants and ran out.... Yeah, I'll need to come get my bra later.
(Girl, complaining in the student union lounge.) Girl: I used to like Gaga, you know, back when I thought she was a hermaphrodite. Like, I'd watch her, and I'd be like "yeah, this is good, I like this," but I was always on my toes. Because you never know when something might just - pop out! It was exciting.
(Two guys, in the lunchroom.) Guy 1: I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Awesome. Guy 2: Plawsome. Guy 1: No.
(A bunch of people sitting around a campfire.) Girl 1: Marshmallows are kinda gross, when you think about it. Girl 2: I think it’s a good kind of gross. Like tiny, edible fat people.
(Two girls, studying in the library.) Girl 1: Yeah, I'll probably start sleeping here too. Under the tables or something. Girl 2: No, I said "sleeping with girls" in the library. That's different. Girl 1: Oh. Yeah, I guess it is.
(Two guys in class, before lecture starts.) Guy 1: My girlfriend broke up with me, and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed. Guy 2: Ouch. Guy 1: Yeah, I sent them to her dad.
Two girls, walking through the mud after a football game. Girl 1: I want to make a really inappropriate joke. Girl 2: Is it a Trail of Tears joke? Girl 1: Okay, yeah.
(Two girls, coming out of an exam.) Girl 1: Bombed it. That was terrible. Girl 2: I think I did okay, actually. Girl 1: And - damnit! And I forgot to water my veggies in FarmVille!
(Two girls in the dining hall.) Girl 1: I know. I'm the best wing man ever! Girl 2: Well, who's your wing man? Girl 1: (Pointing to her breasts and shimmying) I've got two.
(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.) Guy: You girls don't need your buns toasted, do you? Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Girl 2: Heh heh. No. Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns
(Two guys at a giant party.) Guy 1: What? The cops are coming now? Guy 2: Yo, don't touch my ass, bro. Guy 1: I'll touch your ass. I'll touch your ass as much as I want.
(One girl, leaning across the aisle during class.) Girl 1: Hey... hey. Girl 2: What? Girl 1: Have you ever been to CakeFarts dot com?
(Girls meeting up in the morning.) Girl 1: What'd you do last night? Girl 2: Not much. Watched a lot of the Batman animated series. Felt a lot of inappropriate things.
(Girl, talking to friends.) Girl: I always imagined that you could just use the Force on your shoes, and fly. But then I guess you'd have to use the Force on all your other clothes, too, or you'd just be getting dragged around the sky by your feet.
(Linguistics professor, introducing a grammar topic.) Prof: This is grammar. Grammar is not love. It's sphincter-like. (Kid in a class.) Guy: Professor, I'm sorry I wasn't in class last week. I was sick with Hulu.
(Guys in a public library.) Guy: So I was reading The Babysitter's Club, and I guess Grandma had a really cool secret. But chapter books are too much for me these days, so I just flipped to the back to find out what it was. Turns out Grandma just had breast cancer.
(Girl, in an English class.) Girl: Wasn't that, you know... the British lady. Madeline Albright? No. Madeline L'Engle. Professor: Margaret Thatcher? Girl: Yeah. That one.
(Girl at a restaurant.) Girl, to waiter: Can we have some more of these pumpkin things? Waiter: You mean the burgers? Girl: Is that it? Yeah, sure.
(Girls, introducing themselves in class.) Girl 1: I'm Brenna. Girl 2: Hi! I'm Margaret, but you can call me Murphy. Girl 1: Huh. How'd you get that nickname? Girl 2: When I was born, my dad said it was Murphy's Law.
(Older student, talking to high schooler on campus tour.) Student: There's actually a statistic, I think, something like 30 percent of the liquid of water parks is urine. High schooler: Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. That's about right. Student: What the f***? No it's not! That would be disgusting!
(Guy crying, late at night, on the curb outside an apartment.) Guy: I don't see why it's so hard! I just love ... dancing! And makeup! (Guy, talking on the phone.) Guy: It was like being in the same room as a snake and a mongoose. Except, instead of a mongoose, she was a woman.
(Guy and a girl, talking loudly at a Thai restaurant.) Guy: Wait, what did you say? I'm the queen of miscommunication? Girl: No! No, I said I was - Guy: Well. This is ironic.
(Old people sitting down in a restaurant.) Old Lady: Oh, in my industry, we only have one joke. Customers ask, 'Which vacuum is the best?' And I say, 'Oh, they all suck.' Ha! Ha ha ha!
(Two guys, talking next to a weight bench.) Guy 1: We skied a whole bunch last winter. Do you partake? Guy 2: Yeah, sometimes. You're talking about cocaine, right?
(Guy, talking on the phone.) Guy: I have the best story. Dude, it's crazy. So I was in the darkroom, and this girl was developing... like, these naked pictures, right? And they looked kinda like her. So I went over, and... I asked her, "hey, is that you?" And she was like "yeah". Geez. Best day of my life.