It’s weird how it happens. One day you’re screaming “THIS IS MY SONG!” every time “Single Ladies” comes on at the bar, and the next...well, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s not actually true. After just over two years of being the most single person on the planet, I actually took the dive.
It took about three waves of feminism, but women have finally been allowed equality. Our lives have gotten richer. We have social lives, interests, careers, the works. Yet nothing, I mean nothing, gives us our ups and downs quite like relationships. We may not depend on a man for financial stability, but when it comes to emotional stability, it seems they’re somehow still the ones in control.
Beyond all the slot machines, free booze and horny people everywhere, Las Vegas is like single life grown in a petri dish; it’s bigger and more rampant, and it lets you observe some things. And somewhere along the way it hit me: the giant singles meat market that is Las Vegas is not too far off from the giant singles meat market that is my life in Chicago.
Fact: 100% of girls, always, look like complete sh*t at the gym. While I’m the exception to many rules, I am not the exception to this one. So you can imagine my horror, my utter horror, when I ran into a guy I used to date at the gym yesterday.
Sep 18, 2009
I just went on a date with a guy who blathered on about himself (which is only okay when I do it!), and referred to women as, and I kid you not, “dumb bitches.” Since said date last Friday, he has not called me. And I really, really hope he does.
Sep 11, 2009
A very good friend of mine recently had her heart torn into pieces by her ex-bf. Now, in my humble opinion there are two foolproof ways to try and get over this. The first option is to hook up with Jude Law. The second is to have a good old fashion ladies’ night. Since the first option is pretty implausible (though apparently possible if you nanny his children), a few of us decided that a night of female only fun was definitely in order.
Sep 4, 2009
How can you tell if the person you’re talking to is actually interested in you, or just interested in an interchangeable sex buddy to use later that night? You’re too special to be referred to as “hot girl with the big rack,” so learn how to tell which guys are genuinely interested, and which guys are playing their odds with every girl in the room.
It all...it all happened so suddenly. One moment I’m completely single with fewer prospects than an English major (I can say this since I’m an English major), and the next I have a guy friend sitting in front of me saying “I like you. I like everything about you.” And...uh...this is a totally weird a rare phenomenon but I like him too. We like each other at the same time!
I’ve never thought it was wrong to have sex without being in a relationship. Look, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore; you don’t need someone’s letterman jacket before you crawl into the backseat of his Mustang. And while I’d never consider sleeping with seven anonymous strangers in a night, I will admit there are some (okay, a BILLION) gray areas between anonymity and monogamy.
I thought I would be at least 25 before this became an issue. I’m a bridesmaid. Yes, blah blah, happy occasion, etc, etc. But let’s get down to the nitty gritty. First, I have to lose enough weight that the size 4 dress I ordered actually fits (I got a little overzealous after my skinny pants fit.)
Something weird is happening. After a month of bitching that I don’t get asked out on dates enough, I canceled a third date. With a cute law student. If she were dead, my grandmother would be rolling in her grave right now...but instead she’s screaming at me that she’s never going to have great grandchildren.
I hate my exes. Mostly because I’m not even sure I can call them my exes. You see, in the world of the eternally single, you rack up a lot of blurry relationships with people. We go on dates, but we’re not dating. We’re dating, but we’re not together. We’re together, but he’s not my boyfriend...
There’s a reason kids on tricycles get their asses kicked; no one likes a third wheel. Yet time and time again, as coupled people attempt to prove that they have not fallen victim to the anti-social-eat-Chinese-food-while-cuddling-on-the-couch behavior long associated with relationships, you somehow end up third-wheeling it up night after night.