cosmo says the darndest things

Mar 13, 2012

Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: April Edition

In Megan Fox’s piece, she gushes about how wonderful it is to be married. I can’t help but wonder – how did that happen? I thought she was going to be a single vixen forever – a la Angelina Jolie (because her and Brad aren’t technically married). But she does call herself out in the Cosmo Quiz by saying, “I’m not as vapid/bitchy or fit as I look.” Well, that’s good.

Feb 7, 2012

Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: March Edition

I like to pretend Selena doesn’t know what an orgasm is, and I do think Cosmo is naïve if they are expecting that little girls won’t bypass the raunchy cover stories just to get their hands on some more Selena memorabilia. But besides 12 year olds learning how to have their best orgasm, readers can also hope to discover “Why Guys Love It When You Bite Your Lip,” the “3 Things He Doesn’t Have to Know” and more!

Jan 17, 2012

Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: February Edition

I haven't picked up an issue of Cosmo since, like, 2007, but I still felt an intense sense of deja vu while flipping through it. I am amazed at the way they can regurgitate the same sex tips over and over and over again. Did you know that guys like when you stroke them and suck them at the same time?

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: January Edition

I flew across some interesting factoids about how to boost his ego after sex. How does Cosmo want you to do it? Say, "That thing you do with your tongue is unbelievable!" Whew, I'm getting exhausted just thinking about this. But maybe it's just been too long since I've had a popsicle.

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: December Edition

Aside from a fierce lady on the cover, Cosmo really gathered a fabulous mishmash of takeaways from this month's issue. Great, easier for me to gather the ridiculousness!

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

Ok...and since I can't resist any longer, I have to whip out my favorite article of the month. But be careful, you might get a thong slung at your face! Yes, Cosmo went through the trouble of coming up with '25 Kinky Things to Do With Your Undies.'

Oct 4, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: October Edition

The October issue of Cosmopolitan is hot on the shelves, people. It's time to talk about sex, exercising using sex, words to use during sex, shocking celebrity secrets about sex and things you should never stop doing during sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! That's right--if you're looking for a recipe or a new color to paint your living room, you best move on. So let's get started, shall we?

Sep 6, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: September Edition

My sex life has taken a nose dive into success before even opening the magazine! Because this month, I'm going to go naked and feel pleasure (awaiting the article fully clothed and by myself), learn about what my va-jay-jay is telling me (aside from calling it something sexier than a va-jay-jay), and about my bad-boy index. Can't wait to see what a naughty fox I am.

Jun 28, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: July Edition

That brings us to the article that get's our popcorn poppin' in bed, my favorite sexy-time nugget of glory: 'The Sexiest Spots to Touch Him During Sex." Because the spots you already touch him are...not sexy enough. I really hope Cosmo finds a cool way to incorporate erotic nostril touching into this...

May 24, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: June Edition

Man, after a long day at work, it sure is nice to curl up on my couch with a lusty and luscious Cosmo and some Cameron Diaz sideboob! Which, by the way, I stared at for 10 minutes, wondering what would happen to dear Cameron if a gust of wind (or just some heavy breathing) blew through. I mean, can that even qualify as a shirt?

Mar 8, 2011

Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: April Edition

I don't know if I've been watching too much True Blood lately (or if it's the orange mood lighting in my apartment right now), but Olivia Wilde's face on the cover of Cosmo this month actually freaked me out. And she's a beautiful human specimen! Is Charlie Sheen doing the photoshop editing over at the Cosmo offices these days?

Feb 15, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: March Edition

Between Lea Michele's airbrushed cascading titty cleav, the Sex Quiz, demands to 'Get Naked!' and articles dedicated to 'His Thighs Only,' I had to check and make sure I didn't accidentally grab a Playboy. Um, 'scuse me Cosmo, but do you need to start packaging condoms with your magazine from now on?

Jan 11, 2011

Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: February Edition

Mila Kunis reminds me why I look at cupcakes like they are human, cellulite saddle bags-taunting me to eat them, like my stomach needs recognition that I'm not from a third world country. She is just so hot.