Why are women sticking crystals in their vaginas? WHY? WHY? Gurl reports that Cosmo (aside from teaching it's readers how to give the perfect blow job without mouths, hands or feet and a flame thrower - or whatever) that women are getting surgery to have crystals implanted into their vaginas to increase energy.
Of all things corrupting the youth of America, the very worst is Cosmopolitan magazine. Sure, it's the best-selling lifestyle bible of the female demographic, but now that the publication is putting actresses like Dakota Fanning and Selena Gomez on the cover, the printed pamphlet for blended orgasms and all-star blowjobs seems to be catering to a new generation of sexually active females.
So if you haven’t heard by now, I am in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine on page 36! I...
Sometimes Cosmo really just makes me angry. Not that I'm going to stop reading it, mind you, but mad enough to sigh as I flip through the same ish month after month. Every article inside Cosmo is as predictable as the results of a spelling bee between Mark Zuckerburg and Paris Hilton. I know a Cosmo mag better than I know the recipe for Velveeta. And well, that's embarrassing for me to admit.
Guess who's making a cameo on the cover of Cosmo this month? None other than, Julia Stiles! Wait, the current younger generation probably doesn't even know who this homeskillet is. Girlfriend, where have you been? I haven't seen her in Hollywood since she rocked the boat in Save the Last Dance. (Oh, oopsie poopsie, Cosmo just informed me she has a dark role in Dexter).
First, take off his pants! No, seriously. Cosmo wants you to. And next, treat him to the sexy strokes he's been craving all along...but won't as for (like that one where you make little crawling motions with your fingers from his hips to his chin). Wait, stop! Would you jump off a bridge if Cosmo did?!
When I saw October's cover of Cosmo, the headline 'Own His Orgasm! What Men Really Want Right Before Blast Off,' I almost considered going to church next Sunday. Whoa, Cosmo. Pump the breaks a bit, shall we? I haven't even busted this baby open yet and I'm already getting weird stares from the check-out lady in Target.
The minute, and I mean the minute, I spotted Britney Spear's discolored blond extensions on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, I grasped the magazine tightly in my fingertips, sighed extravagantly and hugged my copy. This means I get to read one of those famous Cosmo Quizzes filled out by B. Spears!
Whenever I find myself in an ice breaker situation and people ask me that annoying "Who would you want to have dinner with, alive or dead" question, I always answer the same: Cosmo's EIC and best selling author, Kate White.
Cosmo's February issue had a lot of usefulless information, as per usual. Get excited! This month we learn how guys truly feel about nail decals (we know you’ve all been dying to know the answer to this.) Turns out 55% think they’re too over-the-top, while 45% say they’re fun and flirty. But I’m pretty sure 100% don’t really know what nail decals are.
So, I know this month’s Cosmo Says is fashionably late (blame it on a premature reaction to Tryptophan), but it's here now. And you should be happy because not only was the December issue chock full of goodies, but now you have something to distract you while your little cousins run around your house screaming and you attempt to digest that 3lbs of stuffing you just inhaled.
My dearest Cosmo has always had a special affinity for body language analysis (I think they’ve done Speidi like 6 times). Now they’re taking it to the next level and making it all easy, convenient and user-friendly for you! Cosmo understands the trials and tribulations of dating, especially when we need to figure out the bizarre and complex behavior of the male species.
Oh October Cosmo, how you make me lust for the crisp weather and Fall fashions you print on each page (that I won’t get to experience until mid-October down here in good ol’ humid-ass Florida). I can’t wait to make Katie Lee Joel’s ridiculously scrumptious looking bread pudding, and I found your expose on why Audrina is the new Heidi intellectually stimulating.