Why am I a "militant, protesting" feminist? Because of sh*t like this.
The other day, as I was walking down the street, I noticed an ad on the side of a bus. It was a huge picture of a scantily clad woman lounging on her side. First, this reminded me of the Sex and the City opening sequence, when a bus drives by with a picture of Carrie on it. But it wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker in the picture. It was another lady who goes by all three of her names – Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Oh, Maxim. You make it so easy to laugh at you. Today, when purchasing this month’s Maxim, I was charged like six dollars. I paid six freaking dollars for a 30-page magazine full of naked women. In tiny print beneath the cover model's legs reads the tagline “This issue is 75% pants-free.” Well, good...because who likes pants? I don’t.
My favorite headlines are, and no I’m not joking, “Is Everything Better With a Monkey?” “We Go Camping at Occupy Wall Street!” and “Women Who Want to Use You For Sex (and Where to Meet Them).” February is also a bonus month for our favorite men’s magazine, it comes with a “Hometown Hotties” insert in Maxim Lingerie talking about their favorite things to wear during sexy time.
What better way for Maxim to start off 2012 than to have J-Woww gracing the cover? Because nothing says relevant and timely quite like a Jersey Shore cast member. Oh, wait, it's not 2010 any more. Regardless, JWoww looks kind of really comfortable and sexy while embracing the super sleazetastic Maxim aesthetic.
This month, Maxim is ready to deck the halls in cool man gadgets, girls from England and France in their underpants and crazy sex tips that will make every single man look like a jolly blue-balled Santa Clause. Who's ready to dig in??
This month, Maxim wants to give thanks for leaves crunching under feet, families gathered around large piles of food and gorgeous women who are wearing nothing but footballs. That pretty much narrows being thankful to three things: pleasure, food and sex. Needless to say, I wasn't surprised.
I always love Maxim during Halloween because they write and feature the craziest stuff possible. Need proof? The first two headlines I laid eyes on for October's cover were: 'A Polar Bear Ate My Head,' and 'Secrets of Lesbian Sex: How to Get in on the Action.' No wonder I grabbed the last issue on the newsstand. Men want them some gore and girl on girl.
Whenever I read Maxim, along with staring at hot chicks, I learn the most random facts in the world. I never knew men were so interested in totally irrelevant and pointless information. Here's a few random facts for you: Did you know Illinois recently passed a law that allows residents to pick up roadkill?
August has GOT to be one of the best months out there for dudes. And I'm just going off of the subtitles on the cover of this month's Maxim magazine. Between Shark Week, hot and humid Skype sex, free beer and a half naked chick on a beach - I don't know what else any guy really needs (aside for maybe a napkin and a cigarette - hehe).
July is one of my favorite months of the entire year. And not because Maxim finally gets a chance to pimp out articles encouraging men to go to work without pants (just because it's balmy out), and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley can prance around desolate beaches wearing studded jean shorts that would only fit a midget or a Hollister manikin. (Let's just say I could see some cheekie cheek.)
I woke up in a full on hot sweat last night and I'm 50% sure it's because my new Maxim Hot 100 June edition was sitting triumphantly next to my bed. I'm going to dedicate that other 50% to the fact that the temps have been sweltering outside. Geez, Maxim really knows how to drop it like it's hot.
Whenever I go to buy my Maxim magazine every month, I always end up purchasing random manly things to go along with it. No, I don't lift my Maxim from the rack and rush to buy some Gold Bond and a wax cloth for my... car, but I'm almost there. Today, I bought Maxim, skin-on hot dogs and five dollar parachute man-elastic ankle sweatpants. Here's to expressing your male strengths, ladies!