The other day, I was at my friend's sister's dinner party -- she was throwing her husband a surprise birthday party -- and I felt terribly immature. I mean, this girl had her LIFE together.
In high school, I kept a notebook full of quotes. Seriously. It's in my closet at my parents' house now, completely chock-full of the cheesiest quotes I could get my over-hormonal 16-year-old hands on. Need an example of one? Luckily, I live at home and have easy access to the notebook. Allow me to share some of the highlights...
I have a confession to make. (I really end up making a lot of those on here, don't I?) I've been in a lot of relationships. Those of every kind. Relationships that end dramatically. Relationships where he was too obsessed. Relationships where I was too obsessed. Relationships that were bittersweet and suddenly went horribly sour. But I don't think I've ever been in love.
I remember the days when my nose was pressed against the screen in English class, trying to hide the fact that I was scrolling through Perez Hilton. I was obsessed with checking Perez regularly. How many pee-pees was he going to draw on Jennifer Love-Hewitt's face today?!? Now that I'm older and, ahem, more mature, I've found some grown-up blogs that are just as addictive!!
It's only human to have those moments (no matter how long they last) when you feel like you can't do ANYTHING right. Ok, my moment has been going on for over a week. I feel like I've been spending too much money, apologizing way too many times to people, not returning things I've borrowed, slipping from my usual tip-top form at work...and it's all so exhausting. With all these mistakes, I'm feeling super guilty.
Before I begin, this post is dedicated to all of the wonderful ladies (and men, if you're reading) out there that feel a little stuck and lost in a life post-college. The world often feels bustling with too many confident individuals and not enough nervous, actual human beings just trying to find their place -- both in the universe and in the Starbucks line each morning before work. I want you to read this post aloud with your hand on your heart and your chin lifted high.
I have discovered the answer to ALL post grad problems. The post grad problems I'm talking about consist of: stress, finding jobs that make you happy, dating mature human beings, partying, being adventurous, finding yourself...you get the point. So, how are we supposed to conquer all of these grown up issues at such a young age? Be obsessed with yourself.
The other day, I walked into Home Depot with a mission. A mission to find a soft, neutral color that would match the awkward black trim of...my parents' basement.That's right. One month ago, I moved back home. And now, I'm sitting here with my dear mother at our kitchen counter in full on PJ-wear at noon, playing Words with Friends, browsing Pinterest and drinking coffee (because she's my new roommate).
Then we had one of those moments over the phone where if we were in person we'd be jumping up and down hugging each other and falling on the floor in a tangled excited mess. This was happening. My first girlfriend was getting married to a person she truly loved and my lady mind couldn't wrap my thoughts around it.
If I were to ever win a gold medal in the Olympics, it would be for over-thinking EVERYTHING. I guess I fit the typical girl stereotype. It's totally like me to stand in the cosmetics aisle in Target for 80 hours trying to figure out which type of mascara I want. I'll over-think a text I'm about to send to someone I'm dating. I'll over-analyze a conversation I had with a friend and turn it into something it probably wasn't in the first place.
I need a focus adjustment. Let's just say I've been a little on the negative side lately. At first, I tried blaming it on the crappy weather (like I usually do) and then I realized I could be dealing with a personal problem. For example, whenever I'm about to do virtually anything, I immediately envision the worst possible outcome.
I want to relive the small moments. I want to relive the teeny side glances, the sweet kiss goodbye, the surprise compliment I received, the heartfelt compliment I gave. And then I'm left feeling at a loss -- feeling like, though I did experience all those things, I also didn't.
I've said it before 48,573 times and I will say it again. Life after college is a hectic whirlwind. And most of your time is spent trying to decipher if you're happy with who you are, what you're doing and where you're doing it all. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Does this make me happy? He loves me, he loves me not. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But what happens after that hump?