Hey Dude,
I really need your advice,
This guy I’ve been seeing is still talking to his ex girlfriend via text message. They broke up due to being in different cities for school, but the guy I’m seeing is also 2 hours away from me and comes back home to see me at least once a month. She just nominated him for a challenge the beginning of this month (September). I know I’m not his girlfriend but it makes me feel like I’m being played since he’s seeing me and talking to her. He tells me he likes me but I just don’t feel comfortable with him talking to his ex.
Thanks!
Battling with the ex
Dear Battling with the ex,
You’re seeing this guy (but you ain’t his GF and he ain’t your BF), and it bothers you that he’s talking to his ex. What can you do about it? Either start a fire that you can’t put out or absolutely nothing. What should you do about it? Date someone else.
If you’re not exclusive then you’ve got no right telling him who he should or shouldn’t be talking to. EVEN if you were exclusive, that still doesn’t give you the right. How would you feel if he did that to you? Would you feel like he was crossing a line? Would it make you angry? Would you feel like maybe he didn’t trust you? Think about it and then realize that that’s exactly what you’d be doing to him. His ex is his ex. She’s his business. How he deals with her is his business. Whether you let it bother you is your business. Can you let him know it bothers you? Sure. Can you do any more than let him know? No. You can’t make any demands or ultimatums. You can’t even reasonably make any requests. There’s nothing more than you can do than make him aware of how it makes you feel. The real issue is: Why are you letting it get to you?
Clearly, something’s not working here if you’re getting jealous. Either it’s not working because of some issues you have or as a dating pair you share. Jealousy happens. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t. It’s okay to get jealous. It’s okay to feel threatened. It’s okay to be bothered. HOWEVER, what you do with those feelings is the biggest indicator of how strong the bond is. You can accept your feelings and work on letting go of them. That would be the most mature thing to do. Or you can passive aggressively (or blatantly) punish him because of how you feel. Don’t do the second thing.
The bottom line is this: If you let these feelings eat away at you then it means there’s a lack of trust on your end. And why invest in a relationship with someone that you don’t fully trust?
Again, it boils down to two options: Don’t bring it up and understand this is your baggage, not his. Or make him aware that you’re aware you have these feelings because they’re your baggage and you’re going to work dealing with it. Now, if you can’t do either of those then do yourself a favor, let go of the potential crazy in your life and end things now.
You’re not battling with his ex, you’re battling with yourself. Is it a battle worth fighting? Only you can answer that question.
Packing it in,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Check out past Ask a Dude posts here.
"Can I Tell Him To Stop Talking To His Ex?" [Ask A Dude]
