Dear dude!
So I had been together with this guy for 3 years. A week or so before the breakup we would end up in arguments. A few days later he tells me he doesn’t know if he has feelings for someone else. A day before he goes to visit his home country for a month he tells me he doesn’t have the same feelings for me and has been feeling this way for a while.
Just as I was getting used to the fact I’m single, two weeks later he phones me asking for a second chance and regrets everything etc. I asked him about the girl and he said they have nothing in common (hasn’t been any physical relation). Of course I still have feelings, but I don’t want to be messed over. I said we should wait until he comes back to talk. Is it the home air talking or is it him? Any advice?
Confused Gut
Dear Confused Gut,
You’re out of a three year relationship after the guy part break your heart, first telling you he was into another girl and then nailing it home when he told you he wasn’t into you anymore at all. Now he’s been away for a couple weeks and called to beg for a second chance (IT BETTER BE BEGGING!). Do you give it to him? Are you freaking kidding me?
The answer is no. Absolutely no. Team Hello No! There’s not a chance in Hell you can trust this sudden outpouring of penitence and affection. How long’s he claim to not have feelings for you anymore? How many times did he have a chance to decide to work through any issues you two were having? Did he take them? No! Should you give it to him now? No! Should you be surprised that now, when he’s single and things with this other girl didn’t work out that he’s trying to crawl back to you? No! Does it have anything to do with the other girl not working out? Yes!
Let’s face facts: He left. He broke up with you. He tried something out with another girl. Things didn’t work out. Now that he’s found out that they won’t work with this other girl he comes back to you. A few questions. What’s to stop him from pulling this same disappearing act again the next time his pants shift without a breeze because of another woman? Why would his feelings suddenly change? Can you trust him to remain faithful? Can you trust him when he says that he didn’t mean anything he said to you? Should you trust him? NO! The answer to everything is NO!
Of course you still have feels for him. It’s only been two weeks. You’re raw and vulnerable. If you let him back into that spot in your life now then you’re only doing a disservice to yourself. You need to take some time on your own. You’ve got to be able to find out how it feels not to deal with a guy who you’re not sure you can trust and not certain has feelings for you. You might just find out that you really like this newfound single situation. No one two weeks out of being dumped is going to be thinking at their optimum rationality. Which is a nice way of saying that everybody can f*ck up at this point in the process. And the biggest way you f*ck up is to decide to take the dumper back.
Is there a chance that he’s realized that he’s made a mistake? Sure. But you aren’t really in a mental and emotional position to trust the understands the depth of the mistake he’s made. You’re two weeks out of a three year relationship. You want your fix back. You want the security back. You want to have what you had. Except, that’s not what he’s offering you. He’s offering you leftovers from some other girl who wouldn’t have him. The relationship cannot go backwards. This isn’t some speed bump you can gloss over later when you tell your kids the story of how you fell in love. You need time and space to get back on your feet. Once you’re in a place where you don’t feel the need, where you can create a new relationship, and feel confident that your trust can safely be put back in him, then you can entertain the idea of taking him back. You just can’t pick up from where things left off. Too much has happened that you need to address.
For your own emotional wellbeing, do not take him back right now. Do not put yourself through more hell. That’s all you’ll be inviting into your life. Oh, you might have a couple of nice moments, maybe a few serene nights, but the problems that broke you up are still there somewhere. They haven’t been dealt with yet. Right now he’s trying to come back to his safe place, that’s all. You’re not his safety net, you’re not his consolation, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You deserve to have your time to heal and then decide how, if at all, this guy could continue to fit in your life.
Do the hard thing, do the best thing for yourself, tell him to leave you in peace.
Making the tough calls,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Check out past Ask a Dude posts here.
"Do I Take Him Back After He Dumped Me Two Weeks Ago?" [Ask A Dude]
