For whatever reason, women are seen as angelic dolls who either sh*t roses or don’t sh*t at all. Yet the truth of the matter is that women are pretty gross. For example, when you go to a public restroom and there’s pee all over the seat. Hello?! What is that about? We tend to not love the idea of sitting on the toilet because, quite frankly, I’d rather not sit where someone’s sweaty ass was just moments earlier. However, because women all think the same, NO ONE HAS ACTUALLY SAT ON THE SEAT. It’s a never-ending cycle. But I digress.
The feeling of having to take a massive poo at your new bf’s place or worse – his parent’s house – is enough to send you into a straight-up panic attack. But why is it that this natural bodily function is so taboo? Is it the combination of sound and smell, and the age-long stereotype that women are delicate flowers that prevents us from going when nature calls? Could be. After all, our nose and ears are mutually exclusive. This is why it’s more dangerous to slip out a silent fart during a Catholic mass service than it is to fart at a club.
Whatever the reason, while our lower abdominal system is in pure agony, we begin to wonder if we can make it to that 7.5 month mark, when you’ll apparently feel completely comfortable in front of him. Until then, I have some tips for how to do the deed in discreet:
1. Poo-Pourri! Yes, I spelled that correctly.
This before-you-go-spray could be the answer to all of your poo prayers.
2. Wait until after he’s asleep…
3. …or right before you shower.
Use going out as an excuse to go AND clean yourself. It’s a win-win.
4. Flush when you’re about to, er, drop.
Although the excessive flushing could be a potential attention-grabber.
5. Put a layer of toilet paper down.
To cushion the fall, so-to-speak.
6. Turn up the T.V. or listen to music.
It’ll drown out the sound from those paper thin walls.
7. Go in public.
While you’re out to dinner, for instance. Put toilet paper on the seat to make yourself feel better, and let it out.
Tbh, if all else fails, just go. If he can’t handle your dirty little secret, then flush him out of your life. No one is worth getting an infection for.