For some during the infamous two year college search, traveling hours to visit a school in the middle of nowhere was the equivalent of a death sentence. You felt horribly isolated and couldn’t understand why people willingly chose to go to a college or university in the middle of the cornfield. Sure the school may have had a vibrant Greek life, but who gives a sh*t about that? Who really needs a fraternity or sorority house? They only cause problems anyway.
So, like me, you crossed out the possibilities of about 95% of the country, refusing to leave the city. (I mean, seriously, what school can really compete with the glory and glamor of Manhattan?) You’ve either grown up in the shadow of the big city and you’ve grown much attached to the smog and the nasty attitudes of city dwellers. You don’t need the bright and bubbly, friendly neighbor crap—you can shove that sunshine up your ass. Or, perhaps, you’re the embodiment of suburbia and looking to achieve your dream of living in the big city.
You sent in your housing deposit for [Your City] College or University of [Your City] and cried as you looked at how expensive the room and board is. However, living in the outskirts of the city is far different from living in the city—I don’t need to tell you that. Keep in mind, however, that going to school in the big city is also far different from living in the city, too.
Yay, college.
1. Endless Things To Do
It’s true—if you’re bored in the big city, you’re simply not living in it right. With concerts, flash mobs, museums, theaters, restaurants, record stores, and more all over the place, to say you’re bored clearly indicates that you’re new to the city.
Get on the train and get off at a random stop. You could easily discover your new favorite cuisine.
2. Nothing To Do.
Now, if you’ve been in the city for ages, the typical ~super cool fusion place~ that your out-of-town friend says is “all the rage” just makes you roll your eyes. A lot. Fusion is over and done with, goodbye.
You’ve sampled it all and you simply just can’t be bothered to get up and get on the train. You complain you’re bored—but at least you’ve seen the city already.
3. The Train Is Down.
Sometimes you make perfect plans in the group chat, which, we all know, is nearly impossible to do, only to discover that the one way out of your area of the city, the train, is conveniently down.
Sulk back to the residence hall and sit on your bed and stare at your friends as you try to salvage your weekend. Once again, there is nothing to do on campus. Great.
4. Your Train Is Delayed.
Time sensitive plans are tough in the big city. Getting there late is no good, leaving two hours early is no good—there’s no getting along with public transportation. You plan it just right that if everything goes to plan, you’ll get there on-the-dot, on time. You look up to check the board only to see that the next train out of your station is twenty minutes delayed.
WELL, WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL ME?
5. The Shuttle Bus.
Seriously, just—just f*ck the shuttle bus.
Going to school in a big city means that your school provides absolutely zero on-campus or off-campus transportation. You’re seriously on your own for this.
Instead of the train, sometimes the transportation system provides you with a crappy bus that will take you a half an hour to go forty blocks. It’s really something else. Also: you will get violently motion sick.
6. First Expense: The Fake ID.
Prepare to blow a reported $80+ for a fake ID if you want to do anything illicit on the weekend. Making the deal with the shady guy or girl from your economics class seemed like a good idea at the time. That is, until you get your fake ID six months later at the end of the year (aka: when it doesn’t even matter anymore) and you discover that he or she spelled your name wrong.
Awesome.
7. Good Food Everywhere But At Your School.
Living in a city means that everything is a lot more expensive compared to the costs of your hometown friends at colleges or universities in the middle of nowhere. That means, however, that you have to budget your money accordingly. However, it does also mean that you have endless choice when it comes to eating well during the year. Yet…
Your school is a bastion for crappy food in a sea of endless food opportunities and cuisines. It’s a paradox.
8. RATS.
With the expanse of green lawns on a “true” college campus, you get pretty birds, flowers, squirrels, maybe the occasional rabbit. My friend tells me all the time that he sees chipmunks and groundhogs on his campus.
I’ve never seen a groundhog in person.
Since you’ve chosen the big city life, you’ve signed up for a plague of rats instead of cute bunny rabbits and singing birds. Congratulations.
9. Everything You Need Is Conveniently Located Off Campus.
My friend tells me about how her campus has a coffee shop (read: not Starbucks) and a grocery store on campus. I have to walk at least seven blocks if I want a real grocery store (read: not a bodega).
The upside is that you have constant access to these facilities. Need a drugstore? It’s about three blocks away. You don’t need to drive a half hour to get to the nearest Target—you can take a ten minute train ride. Hell, you can even walk there.
10. Your School Will Have Zero Events.
Your school is very aware that there are things to do in the city. This means, however, that you don’t have constant things happening on campus. You’ll have the semester concert, a couple of free food events, but nothing spectacular.
Fret not, though, you’ll still be bombarded with free t-shirts.
11. You’re A Bar School.
“House party” is a foreign term at a school located in the big city. Thursday through Saturday, you’re at the local school bar getting sh*tfaced. Kegs and funnels are simply not in your vocabulary (most of the time).
12. You’re A Sh*tty Bar School.
I didn’t say you were going a “nice” bar school.
Put it this way, the bars that are letting your underage self into its establishment are the same ones who are watering down their own alcohol, giving your mixed beverage barely a splash of alcohol and still selling you the drink at full-price.
13. You Will Fall Asleep To Police Sirens.
There is never a quiet night. Your campus is not surrounded by quaint suburbia where nothing goes wrong. People die in the city, man!
At least you know your local police force is doing its job. It’s actually a very calming lullaby once you get past the whole “Oh, my God, someone was stabbed/robbed/attacked.”
Author’s Note: I go to school in the Bronx.
14. Sewer Stench
You’re still part of the city, you know. That means you get all of the benefits of the big city. For example, functioning public transportation, endless activity, blending cultures and cuisines and, of course, sewer stench.
Yep, just because your school is plopped in the middle of the city doesn’t mean it’s going to magically erase the scent of warm trash or the tasty fumes exiting the sewer. It can only beautify so much.
15. Your Blue Box System Is A Joke
You’re supposed to be able to see another blue box from each blue box station. At a school in the big city, however? You’ll be lucky if it works.
16. (Manhattan College): YOUR SCHOOL IS LITERALLY CARVED INTO THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN.
My school is notorious for having an equivalent of 28,399,120,391,284,123 stairs on campus. In order to get anywhere, you need to climb or go down stairs—there’s no avoiding it. Every day is leg day, my friends.
But hey, I still get a real college campus while living in a borough of New York City! Take that, you farm people.
17. Sh*tty Chinese Food Will Become Your Go-To Comfort Food.
You’re poor, you can’t deal with dining hall food anymore and you’re sad. A deli sandwich isn’t going to do it and engorging yourself on ice cream is just gross. Besides, who knows what’s really in that deli sandwich, anyway?
Chinese food, with its endless white rice and soy sauce packets, will fill your stomach cheaply and lovingly. When the MSG lulls you to sleep, you’ll thank me later.
18. Yelp Will Become Your Best Friend.
When you do happen to come into some money, you’ll be in the market for something tastier than your unsalted dining hall pork chop. Take my advice: download Yelp, type in “food,” and let it take you on trip of pure imagination.
19. You’ll Have A Regular Urge To Pick Up Smoking.
For the love of all things holy, don’t take up smoking, you idiot.
As you hold your breath before entering your residence hall, you discover that it seems that your peers are unaware of what it means to stand 25 feet away from a building as they literally puff their lives away. With everyone smoking, however, you’ll question why you haven’t started, either.
Let me reiterate: DO NOT TAKE UP SMOKING.
20. House Parties? Yeah, right.
Remember how you’re a bar school? Yeah, no one has the coordination to put together a house party. Even if they did, half of the school is already at the bar, so why bother?
21. Bar Raids.
You’re still wonderfully underage. The cops know exactly what kind of transaction is going on at the door of your favorite sh*tty pub. You will be at a bar sometime in your first three underage years and you will be caught in the middle of a bar raid.
It’s kind of like a rite of passage. A very terrifying rite of passage.
22. An Experience Like No Other
While all of your friends are drinking their livers to death at some house party in the middle of nowhere, you can rest easy knowing that drinking yourself to death is not the only option you have while at school. Sure, it’s fun once in a while, but you can go to concerts, you can see priceless works of art and you can try different kinds of food every weekend.
Your professors will integrate the city into your classroom. You will go to incredible shows and you will see fantastic orchestras for class. You’ll even write papers about these experiences. In addition, your employment isn’t limited to campus.
Post-grad? The opportunities are actually endless.
[Lead image via]
