Hey Dude,
Since none of my girlfriends can help me with this, maybe you can. Here it goes.
About 3 months ago I met this cool guy at a music festival and we really hit it off. We hung out and found out we had a lot in common and had a great time. The thing was, he was only visiting from another state so I figured I would just forget it.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. Since the time we met, we’ve been texting, talking on the phone and/or Skyping every day. We both confessed that we liked each other. He told me that if he lived here he would want to date me. Since he had just quit his job and was looking for work here, it was a definite possibility. He recently surprised me by showing up here. It was great at first, and I was so happy. We acted like we were dating and things got pretty physical. I wasn’t sure what we were doing exactly since we had never defined what we were, but I just went with it.
The trouble started when I saw him the last time. I got a little clingy and insecure, and I think that freaked him out. I was upset, and I texted him a few things that probably made me sound absolutely crazy. The thing is, after that day everything changed. He decided he no longer wanted a relationship. He talked to his friend about it and told him I have too many emotional needs and that he just couldn’t deal with it.
I talked to him the other day and he says he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and wants to continue to stay in touch. I want that, too. But I’m really hurting over him not wanting a relationship with me. What’s the best way to go about this? Is there still a chance that he might want a relationship with me down the road? How do I get over him?
Please help.
Confused
Dear Confused,
You said some things that made you sound cray-cray and now this guy you’ve wanted to get hot and heavy with has cooled off. Is there hope for a happy future or will you have to use a transdimensional sonic screwdriver to undo the damage? Hmm…well, the latter would be handy but don’t rule out the former.
I won’t sugarcoat it: sounds like he got scared off. It happens and it’s a commentary on him as much as it is on you. You said some things that you feared were going to bite you in the butt and they did. How bad were they or weren’t they, was his reaction an overreaction, those are things I can’t make a comment about because we’re not talking specifics. What we’re talking about are the consequences and the next step.
We tend to think of “let’s just be friends” as the kiss of relationship death. Usually, it could be. It certainly is for the immediate future but time can change perspectives. So, yes, I would say there’s hope that some day down the road you and he might reconnect and want to take things further. Stay in touch. Stay friendly. It all depends on what happens next between you. Sometimes it’ll be easier for that possibility to become a reality if there’s actually distance put between the two of you. Other times deepening the connection by being friends can help. There’s no foolproof course of action. There are pros and cons with however you both decide you want to handle things, so base it on what’s going to be best for you and go from there. Don’t decide just out of what you think HE wants/needs. That’s how you’ll end up screwing yourself over.
If you only look at everything you do next in terms of “how will this eventually get him to want to be in a relationship with me” then you’re going to miss out on the here and now. Which will hurt your future. Because you could totally end up neglecting yourself and shunning your own options. Right now you have to let go of the mindset that you’re in damage control. This isn’t about damage control. This is about realignment with your life.
My suggestion would be to take a bit of space to catch your own breath and then when you feel comfortable starting a casual friendship. Take a few weeks, maybe even a month, apart from interacting with him past the occasional text. My advice is to untangle yourself a bit from what you’ve wrapped yourself up in.
Now this is going to work for you both ways. It creates distance for both you AND him. He has to experience it the same as you. He might not like how it feels. Doesn’t matter. You need to separate some for yourself to get perspective and get your sea legs under you. Here’s the thing: he’s not the only one out there. And you don’t want to build him up as your only and thus best option. So take a break from the drama to mourn the loss of what could have been and then you’ll be in a better place to accept what there is.
It’s a matter of expectations and reshaping yours. Focus on doing what you need to do for yourself now and a happy ever after is more likely what you’ll get.
Clear the mechanism,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Did I Come Off Too Crazy? [Ask A Dude]
