Dear Dude,
So here’s the background story, last summer I met this guy and completely fell for him. Hard. Every moment that could be spent with him was spent. And none of those moments had negative feelings. But of course there was always the next year of college looming over our heads, preventing us from commitment. Before we left we promised to keep in touch, but intended to enjoy our time at college (if you know what I mean); he was going to Colorado and I was staying back East so we knew things wouldn’t be easy.
Fast forward two months, he’s home and comes to visit me. Stays in my dorm room for several nights. On his last day there he told me that he loves me, and of course I reciprocated those same feelings, having felt them the entire summer. Without ever really asking each other out, we became “committed”. And he left, with the promise that we would see each other in just over a month.
Two weeks down the road, a guy who I have work study with (who I have to admit I was attracted to pre-commitment to original boy), invites me to go out partying. Some tequila was consumed, and the night was a bit of a blur. I had locked my keys in my dorm room, and my roommate wasn’t there to let me in, in fact all of the people I typically hang out with on the weekends were off campus. Next thing I know I wake up in work study boy’s bed, with just his shirt on and some undies. We only made out, nothing below the waist. This was repeated again this weekend, and I feel horrible.
When thinking about work study guy, I honestly can only picture a friendship. I want to return to the friendship that I had with work study boy, pre hook-up, is this possible? If so how do I break the news to him? Also should I tell my boyfriend? And why can’t the drunken me say no?
Sincerely,
Having Trouble Defining Boundaries
Dear Having Trouble Defining Boundaries,
Let’s clear the air: you’ve now cheated on your bf twice with a guy you work with on campus and you want to know how to get back to just being friends with the one and wondering whether you should confess to your bf. That about sum it up? If we’re in the ballpark then there aren’t a ton of easy answers to follow through with…
Yes, you need to tell your boyfriend whom you love. If it was a one time offense and you’d been able to make sure it never happened again then I might have different advice to give. But it happened twice. And with the same guy. That’s a different kind of danger to your relationship than if it’d been with two different guys months separate. No, you need to tell him because there’s something unsatisfying with the actual relationship that you’re using work study guy to fulfill. I don’t know what it is but I can throw out theories all day long. But first I want to address the last part of your question…
Drunken you isn’t saying “no” because drunken you doesn’t want to say it. Period. Altered states of mind can shred inhibitions, no question. They impair your judgment. They’ll also make for great excuses. So if you make a mistake once, why set yourself up to make it again? Potentially because you want to. You knew what happened before and you created the circumstances for it to happen again which leads one to infer a couple things: that you thought you had the self-control to keep it from happening a second time or part of you wanted it to. If it’s the former then you’re looking at dealing with some trust issues: mostly with yourself. If on a level you recognize it as the latter then you’re looking at dealing with relationship issues: most likely that you’re not ready to be this serious with this particular guy. That’s not saying you’re not in love with him.
Plenty of people fall in love and move forward with serious steps for a serious kind of relationship then discover that love doesn’t quite conquer all. Sometimes you can be in love and want one kind of relationship without actually being willing or entirely wanting to commit to that kind of relationship. But there’s no way to know that until you try for what you want. You may have found out a hard way that what you embarked on with your boyfriend isn’t something that you are necessarily ready for. Maybe he isn’t either, that’s up for discussion, too.
As far as getting things back to the previous status quo with work study boy you need to stop ending up at his dorm room, whether you’re drunk or sober. Stop. Do not put yourself in the position to end up there. Stop. If you have to then tell him you’d appreciate if he didn’t encourage you. Stop. Just ,stop. Some guys can handle letting go of a casual thing and others can’t. That’s not your problem yet. Your best course of action is to keep yourself from being in a situation that’s going to lead you into his bed again. Whatever that takes, that’s what you should do to avoid it. Simple math. Hopefully he can let things settle down and if he asks why you’re ending your snuggling then be as honest with him as you choose to. Tell him it was a mistake and someone got hurt because of it, so you don’t want to do it anymore. Tell him that while you like him you feel more comfortable as friends and keeping it casual. Whatever one’s closer to how you feel, or both, let him know should you feel like he deserves and/or needs an explanation.
Cheating isn’t the cause, it’s the symptom. It’s a symptom that you’re unhappy with the way things are with your current relationship. Unless you have an undiagnosed sexual addiction or disorder. Which if you do, well that’s not help I can give but would talk to your health services department about.
Ask the questions to find the answers and fix the problems. Probably less complicated than you think they’ll be. All it takes is you to have the strength to go poking around your feelings and fears. You can do it and you owe it to yourself to do it.
“I don’t want to go,”
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
I Fell In Love Then I Cheated, Do I Need To Tell Him? [Ask A Dude]
