Dear Dude,
I recently turned 18 years old and I’ve found a genuine, sweet guy at my workplace. We became friends almost immediately. Since then our relationship has grown to more a more flirtatious one. He occasionally buys me gifts when its appropriate which he knows I love. I can tell he really cares for me, but we haven’t taken our relationship to the next level because of one thing. He’s 26 years old. We’re eight years apart. Although, when I’m with him, I don’t feel like we have such a large age gap. Our conversations come smoothly and can be about anything.
I’ve noticed he always jokes around about his age. For example if I say, “Well I am 18 years old,” he’ll say, “That makes me 30 years older then you haha” or something like that. He teases me because I’m in high school and I’m so young. He also makes an effort to let me know I need to graduate faster. However, he did say to me that when we’re talking he feels like we’re in the same age category because I’m very mature for my age.
So what should I do? Our compatibility is undeniable, but I feel like he’s the one who doesn’t want to date an 18 year-old. I want to show him that I don’t have the mindset of a teenager and want something more from our relationship. Also, how can I do that? Go from being friends to a relationship?
Thanks,
Stressed
Dear Stressed,
Don’t stand so close to me! No, but seriously, you’ve got an age gap and you’re trying to figure out if it can be bridged and how to build said bridge. That’s not the easiest thing to construct in this day and age. Let’s face it, there’s a bit of a weird double standard when it comes to one person being, percentage-wise, much older than the other. Not to mention that the younger you are, the more difference age seems to make in terms of maturity and compatibility as far as how both people are growing. So let’s see if we can figure out how, or if, it’s in your best interest to get over this age gap.
If you were 24 and he was 32, this wouldn’t be a big deal at all. Why is it a bigger deal when you’re 18 and he’s 26? Because of life experience. You’re still living in “Freak and Geeks” while he’s well beyond his “Undeclared” years. He’s been living on his own as an adult while you’re still too young to drink at a bar. He’s gone through the phase of having to become an adult, pay rent, become as independent from his family as possible (I’m assuming he’s a well adjusted and functional human being, admittedly) while you’ve yet to juggle those kind of pressures. Presumably he also has 8 years more experience in dating than you have. Which is a lifetime’s worth at your age. That’s why the age gap feels bigger at this stage of your lives rather than if you’d met 8 years from now.
Bottom line is that, from the outside, it’s not going to look great. Why is a 26 year-old showing interest in an 18 year-old? The most important thing to check is to make sure you are protected in this situation. You are not merely into him because he’s 26 and different from high school guys. Of course he is. Most 26 year-old guys, who aren’t super “bro” will be. High school can be extremely stifling from a social stance. This guy’s separate from all the pointless “Vampire Diaries” drama you’re going through (albeit if you’re going through THAT kind of drama, let’s talk because I’m a total genre fan). As long as you feel like you’re not into him BECAUSE he’s 26 and you’re confident he’s not into you BECAUSE you’re 18 then we’re talking about a healthy crush, rather than a borderline statutory one.
Older guys love college-age girls because they can feel more experienced. There’s a sense of control in the relationship based on life experience. Therefore, we’ve been trained to look at such a guy who would date such a girl as being pretty skeevy. “Why can’t he date women his own age?” Which is absolutely a question you should ask him and ask yourself when you hang out with him.
Should you or shouldn’t you? I don’t know. It’s a case by case basis. If the maturity levels coincide, and there are certainly some 26 year-olds who feel like they haven’t moved past the “college” phase of their lives, then this could be fine. Most likely though it will be for the shorter term because you’re about to enter a HUGE transitional period of your life. That’s the other thing to consider: do you think it will last past you getting out of high school and into college? Would you want it to? If not, be mindful about biting off more than you can chew right now.
There are so many questions in this situation that there’s no clear cut answer other than this: Ask yourself the tough questions and see if the answers you get encourage you to put yourself out there more with him or tell you to back off. If the former, then be the adult of the pairing and be upfront: “I want to take this a step further and see where it goes.” Talking about it is the more mature way of doing so rather than jumping him from behind and tackling him into bed. But whatever works, I say.
Don’t over-think but be VERY aware of where you’re at in the grander scheme of your life and where he’s at in his. Does he have a full time job? Does he not live with his parents? Could he play a high schooler on “Glee”? Start from looking at where you are relative to each other and move from there.
Imparting wisdom that only comes with experience, not always age,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Is He Too Old For Me? [Ask A Dude]
