Dear Dude,
I’m stuck, and in some major need of some help.
I’ve been with my man for about 3 months. Things have been great, we just had the happiest week together…until I found out he was cheating through text message. He was sending two other girls inappropriate text messages, just one or two times. Not a full out affair, but bad enough for it to really upset me.
I confronted him, he swore he would change, and never do it again. But… What do I do now? Should I just give up on it, or should I give him another chance? Is he likely to cheat again? I don’t want to get hurt.
Please, I need some help!
Sincerely,
Lost and Confused
Dear Lost and Confused,
You caught your boy in a faux-fair after 3 months and, after getting him to pinky swear he won’t do it again, you’re not sure if it’d just be smarter to cut him loose. Huh. Well, that’s, I guess, one way you can play it. There might be some others.
Bottom line: you got grounds for concern. No, he didn’t go out behind your back and stick it in another girl. YES, he broke your trust with multiple women. MULTIPLE. More than one. That means it wasn’t some special gal he’s been holding the torch for for many years. He’s got some horndog in him. One step, possibly, in the positive direction is that you got him to admit his wrongdoing and promise to do right by you. Now. Not then, though. You’ve got two options now: go mad trying to trust him again or cut your losses.
Trust is one of the hardest things to earn and one of the easiest to lose. You gave him yours and now he’s lost it. It’s harder to gain it back a second time than it is the first, IMHO. It’ll take time and work. From both of you. He’s got to be willing to do the work to win back your trust. How do you do that? How does he? Damned if I know. I wouldn’t give a cheater a second chance. But that’s just me. Probably, somebody more enlightened than myself would say that you can’t half give a second chance. If you’re going to offer it then you have to offer to it fully! Otherwise, you’re just creating a prolonged period of pain. You’ll be setting him up to fail at something you’re convinced he’ll fail at. So if you decide to forgive, you’ve got to go all the way. Doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to be angry and to show it. Doesn’t mean you can’t give him the silent and celibate treatment for a while until he proves his worth as a partner, again. It does mean that you have to work on believing in him again. And believing in yourself.
There’s a lot of shame in being the victim of a violated trust. How could you let that happen to you? Weren’t you smart enough to see what was happening? Why would you let someone do that to you? It’s an opportunity to self-loathe like no other. Those are the kind of thoughts that make it hard to forgive him, because you’re not willing to forgive yourself. You weren’t stupid. You weren’t in the wrong to trust him. You didn’t bring this on yourself. He’s to blame. Period.
Honestly, I don’t know if I could forgive myself or the other person. I like to think that I could but so far I haven’t been able to. It’s only been 3 months and already he’s lurked behind your back. That’s not a comforting sign. Cheaters cheat. It’s a way that they deal with stresses and pressures, it’s how they “cope” with challenges in their lives. It’ s a learned behavior that’s not the easiest to unlearn. They have to have incentive and being with you has to be it. Of course, it wasn’t incentive enough not to cheat in the first place. So what value does that show for you and your relationship? Little to none.
For peace of mind, I’d tell him to move on and lose your number. In fact, I’d do it in a text. But if you believe what you both have is worth holding onto, then you’ve got to be willing to work hard to forgive yourself for being a victim and him for being an asshole. You tell me how the scales are balanced…
Keepin’ it real,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
He Had a Faux-Fair, Will He Do It Again? [Ask A Dude]
