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“Am I More Than Just A FWB?” [Ask A Dude]


Dear Dude,

I started seeing this guy a couple months ago and I really like him! However, I have no idea if he likes me more in a relationship or simply friends with benefits kind of way. We don’t use the word love or a lot of pet names, but we have great sex and get along really well. I have met his friends, he pays for dinner like a gentlemen and I stay at his house when I come to visit. Also, I almost met his mom once after watching him play soccer.

However, we don’t talk on the phone a lot and text approximately once a day, give or take. Also, we’re citizens of separate countries, as I am on a student VISA. Am I more than a friend with benefits? Help me dude!


Miss Confused

Dear Miss Confused,

You’re suffering from blurred boundary syndrome. You’ve got the great sex and it’s a super low maintenance arrangement, but he treats you like you’re more than just a booty call. Are you just benefitting each other or is it something more? The Eye of Agamotto seems to confirm what my gut is telling me: you’re a friend with benefits. But a really great friend! With really nice benefits!

There are a few major telltale signs that what started as something casual has take a turn down a more serious path:

Have you met the parents?
You don’t usually bring sex home with you. If he’s made it a point for you to meet his makers then you’ve crossed the threshold from friend to something more.

Is he dating anyone else?
Are you? If you’re the only person in his picture and he’s the only one in yours, then that could be a sign that things have moved into more serious territory. Plus, how are you treating other guys ask you out? Do you find yourself turning people away because you think about him? If he becomes the center of your dating universe then you’re probably already thinking of him as more than a friend.

Quality is the most important thing, regarding the time you spend with each other, but also how much time is a big deal. I have a friend who dated a woman halfway across the world for more than two years. He’d spend a few months at a time in her country and then she would come to the US for multiple weeks. They’d Skype every night without fail. And their trips were centered around more than just having fun and having sex. If you’re having Skype sex every night and talking on the phone or texting more than once a day, not to mention your visits last more than a weekend, then you’re moving up out of the FWB zone.

Based on the arrangement, I’d say you two are keeping it casual. The real question is: do you want more? The distance can make things tricky but if you want to then you should let him know. Right now what you’ve got doesn’t require a lot of commitment or time. It’s fun and light enough but has a touch of intimacy to it. The balance for a FWB arrangement gets more delicate as the days go on. Have the scales tipped? If so, the longer you try to keep things status quo, the worse things are likely to go. The call’s going to be yours to make.

Your friend without benefits,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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