Now we all know basic is an ephemeral quality that can hit us at one moment and pass at the next. Even we can become the basic bitch at the party, we can fall in love with basic men and lead very basic, happy lives. But just like when we meet Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right, we can meet Mr. Too Basic and not Mr. Just Basic Enough. Everyone has basic qualities, there isn’t a single motherfucka I know who would turn down Froyo (the most basic dessert in history) short of a dairy allergy, yet there are some people whose entire lifestyle and persona is made up of just beige ass, boring ass, basicness.
It’s those people out there who when you ask them to describe themselves say, “I like to laugh!” Well who the fuck doesn’t? There is more to us than our basicness and though a basic man can be appealing, one has too wonder, is he the right kind of basicness for me? Is he too basic? Will our children be beige like the walls of underfunded city schools and remind me of the futility of the pursuit of happiness? You know what I mean . . . like . . . you know what I mean.
1. He wears any kind of a body spray that comes out of an aerosol can.
Then just don’t wear a scent. If you are too lazy to figure out what cologne you like then just don’t smell like anything. You actually don’t have to smell like anything but your Irish Spring soap bar that I know you have because you are basic. You choose to smell of teenage angst, goat piss and lingering notes of patchouli?
2. He has this poster in his dorm room.
“It’s their idea of art,” according to Alex. Guess who saw Animal House? Guess who saw the movie that literally everyone college student America has watched? Oh was it you, you’re so special, look at you. Oh, did it resonate with you? I bet it did. I bet it did.
3. All he drinks is Jager Bombs.
Mhmm.
4. He only shops at American Eagle Outfitters.
Where else would he find his polos in 50 shades of beige?
5. He wears shorts all year round.
There have literally been articles written about dudes wearing shorts all year round. I guess dudes like to have their knees catch a breeze. However why are you wearing cargo shorts all year? Are you packing 17 different swiss army knives and a compass in case you get lost in your mom’s basement?
6. His idea of a great night out starts at Dave and Busters and ends at Dave and Busters.
A date so perfect you’ll never tell anyone about it ever.
7. His all time favorite show is Entourage.
Lady basics love Sex and The City. Dude basics love Entourage. It is the order of the universe.
8. He uses the phrase, “I’m going to ball so hard tonight.”
I just saw you sign up for a credit card to get a free T-shirt, your broke ass needs to keep it real.
9. His favorite rapper is Macklemore.
Wow, are you like a hip hop connoisseur or something?
10. He uses magnum condoms but he doesn’t have a magnum-sized cock.
Your stupid ass is going to get somebody pregnant with this delusional shit. That condom is going to slip right off your vienna sausage, homie.
