Dude,
So, I have this guy friend and we’ve been sleeping together for several years now. It’s been an on an off again thing for a long time. We almost dated once but I hurt him and then when we tried to try again later but he hurt me, so since then we’ve just been friends with benefits but have still kept the friendship part going.
I like him a lot and I just don’t know if he feels that same way. Before Christmas he said he doesn’t want anything more, but for the past several months it’s been weird. He would get mad at me for things such as going to parties, and if I was going home for the weekend he would call to tell me to be safe if the weather was bad and to call him before I left college and when I got home. If we go places in public he wants to hug and kiss me, or if we see a movie he wants to cuddle in the theater. Even after hooking up he doesn’t just get dressed and leave, he stays around and hangs around and tickles me and gets close and just acts goofy making me laugh and is always touching me some way almost the whole time. And when he kisses me goodbye it’s not just a peck one sec, rush out he door; it’s slow and meaningful, I guess you could say.
He acts like he cares more about my health and well-being then most of my actual boyfriends before him. I don’t know. Am I just going crazy and just looking into this too much and over thinking it because I do have these feelings? Or is it possible maybe he is having these feelings in return, too? I’m the only girl he’s been with in over 7 months.
-Confused Friends With Benefits
Dear Confused Friends With Benefits,
Your FWB is acting more like a boyfriend and you want to know whether that means he actually wants to be your boyfriend? And you’re the only woman he’s been with for 7 months? To paraphrase, if it doesn’t walk like a f*ck, talk like a f*ck, or sound like a f*ck then it’s probably more than just a f*ck. Sorry to be crass, but I’m lay a can of truth on yo’ ass. All the evidence shouts “YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!” to your question. He probably does have a whole lot of feels for you. He’s just still too damned scared to actually act on them.
You two haven’t had an easy path, so you make it sound. You tried once and you hurt him. You tried twice and then he hurt you. When you’ve tried to change labels you’ve managed to burn each other. So why would he feel safe trying thrice? Why would you? Things are great as they are, so why turn it into a relationship? Well, here’s a scoop I’m going to give you: What you have is a kind of relationship. That’s right! You’re already in one and you just haven’t called it that.
There are all kinds of relationships that have all kinds of different rules to them. All the labels in the world don’t change the fact that you both care about he each other. You both find each other sexually attractive. You’ve both acted, and happily it sounds like, on that attraction. You spend a lot of time together. You’re willing to show it to the world. You just haven’t agreed to admit it each other. What’s holding you back? What’s holding him back? Could it be the past pain? Possibly. Could it be he’s acting like a pussy about owning his feelings? Possibly. There’s only one way to know: Ask him!
Yup, it’s not rocket science, it’s a relationship. It’s two (or sometimes more) people communicating about how they feel toward one another and what they want from one another. That’s it. If what he wants is something you can give, and vice versa, and you both decide to do so, then you’ve got a functioning relationship. If one or both of you can’t, then you don’t and should redefine said relationship. Seriously though, stop f*cking around. You two’ve done it too long and been too big of a presence in each other’s lives to wimp out. Do the hard thing because it’s the right thing and just ask him what’s holding him back? If it’s the label then take the edge off and call it something else. All that matters is that you two can tell each other what you want from the other. If you can’t, then you’ll never move beyond this will you/won’t you quicksand that will most likely lead to…more pain.
Cyber-shock therapy over,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
"Will We Or Won't We?" [Ask A Dude]
