Being single is far superior to being tied down to some lovable douche who makes you ditch girls’ nights for private pizza parties. While you could argue that being Facebook official is useful for holiday parties, heavy lifting, and little spoon opportunities, boyfriends are really more trouble than they’re worth. In fact, you’d be better off investing in a puppy, instead. All of the cuddles, and 100% less of the pressure to feign interest in sports. The truth is, boyfriends would be incredibly useful if you could exchange them (along with your outfits) for different parties and seasons. In this beautiful imaginary world (where chocolate has no calories and Lilly Pulitzer is always free), every occasion would call for a new boy toy custom made for the event. A girl can dream…
1. The Netflix Boyfriend
Netflix is the ultimate boyfriend- always there when you need it, and amazing in bed. Unfortunately, sometimes you exhaust all of your options. You’ve seen Revenge and Scandal in all their glory, and you’ve even gone far enough off the deep end to indulge in a season or two of The Witches of East End. Desperate times call for desperate measures, like looking for a boyf to take your mind off of your marathon drought, post-binge. I mean, sure, you could always invest in HBO Go or Amazon Prime, but after a couple hours salivating over Ian Somerhalder in The Vampire Diaries, an IRL BF is tempting.
Included: Amy’s frozen pizza, a sexy Snuggie of your choosing, and no judgement when you’re working on your night cheese a la Liz Lemon.
2. The Formal Boyfriend
When you’re in a sorority, being single is almost a necessity. Having a permanent gentleman caller would mean giving up random DFMOs and Tinder, your favorite time kill (but it would improve semi formal greatly). While being set up for date parties can be fun, it has the potential to be an awful disaster that ends with you wondering why anyone would think you and a balding man who recently spent time in jail would ever be a good fit. Unfortunately, if you want a beau for date party season, it requires taking one on full-time– when the reality is that a freelancer would be a better fit. That’s why an escort for sorority functions is a college necessity. The formal flame always looks good, because he gets dressed up to get down– and, he comes with accessories!
Included: A black card for unlimited top shelf cocktails that won’t leave you dying of a hangover in the morning, a perfectly preppy suit, and an alcohol tolerance that is unrivaled and unprecedented, on account of his WASPy upbringing/daddy issues (plus the hazing).
3. The Summer Loving Boyfriend
This boy toy will be 100% dedicated to you for one week only. He can easily be substituted for the spring break suitor. Both are a necessity for the perfect romantic Instagram sunset beach post, which will garner you likes in the dozens (at least). Once your summer has reached peak levels of boredom, he’ll appear, like a smoking hot mirage in the sand. He’s vaguely regrettable, but luckily he disappears the second you’re back on campus, never to be heard from again (until next summer, naturally).
Included: He’ll come with frat tanks that double as the perfect shack shirts, a summertime glow, a six pack that will make all of your Facebook frenemies jealous immediately, and a subtle drinking problem that results in fisticuffs at Margaritaville. Pro tip: He looks best in Valencia.
4. The Home for the Holidays Boyfriend
Once fall rolls around, it’s normal to crave more than just Pumpkin Spice Lattes. If the cooler weather has you looking for an oversize flannel to borrow, you need the Autumn Boyfriend of your fantasies. After all, the rapidly dropping temperatures make hibernating more appealing than going out in tiny spandex in negative degrees. The Holiday Boyfriend has a specific timeline — he only needs to last from Thanksgiving until Valentine’s Day. He doesn’t start his shift until after Halloween, because everyone knows that hooking up with a hot cop is way more fun and exciting than a couples costumes.
Included: This boyf comes with a J. Crew gingham shirt, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes in the world, a patterned scarf a la Chuck Bass (plus Chuck’s funding), and the ability to secretly stalk all of your Pinterest boards and buy you the best gifts ever. He’ll also come with peace of mind, as you won’t have to answer questions about being eternally single over Thanksgiving turkey. As an extra, he’ll have mistletoe hanging over his head always and unlimited bottles of Veuve Cliquot for the perfect NYE kiss.
5. The Ring by Spring Boyfriend
If you’re in a southern sorority, once the flowers start blooming there are candle passing ceremonies up the wazoo, announcing the sometimes sudden engagements of all of your sisters. While you love being single, it’s easy to start wishing for a perfect Tiffany & Co. diamond to flash, if only for the wedding Pinterest boards you could be making unabashedly. Luckily, the “Ring by Spring” frat star is available just in time for semi-formal and wedding season. He’s a perfectly preppy boy toy made to show off to your sorority sisters, whether you’re tanning on the quad or wearing an absolutely hideous bridesmaid dress (in fact, he even comes with a matching taupe tie!).
Included: This southern suitor will come equipped with a Vineyard Vines belt, color coordinated Chubbies appropriate for every occasion, a beard (because he’s pledging KA and needs to get ready for Old South), all the bow ties in the world, and a closet full of smelly Sperry’s.
6. The 2 AM Boyfriend
You’re out with your girls, and the prospects are slim to none. 2 AM is creeping up on you (along with all of the actual creepers), and while you don’t turn into a pumpkin, you do start thinking that otherwise awful dudes are slightly attractive, with the help of your vodka vision. Your friends are all texting their various boos, and you reach for your phone to encounter radio silence (not even a text from mom). Sure, the “2 AM Boyfriend” could be called a booty call or a hook-up, but he’s so much more. Unlike your usual after hours hook up, he’ll never ghost or be spotted macking on some other biddie. He’ll always be available, he’ll take less than 30 seconds to respond to your triple texts, and he won’t mind when you’re so nauseous that you just want to cuddle. He tastes like cigarettes, Fireball, and bad decisions.
Included: The 2 AM man is equipped with super soft shack shirts, a ridiculously comfortable bed, greasy dollar pizza, and a sound proof bathroom for morning after vom activities. He also has car keys– no walk of shame necessary.
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