When It's Okay To Lie About Your Virginity

We’re all taught that it’s not okay to lie. About anything. Ever. Of course then we do lie. We lie about how tall we are (high heels). We lie about our hair color (highlights, dye, anyone?). We even lie about how we’re feeling (“What’s up?” “Nothing” which is impossible because if nothing was going on we’d be dead and thus not living, so clearly something is happening-I’ve lost you, haven’t I?) Sometimes we lie just to get through the day (“I’ll work out later”) and sometimes we lie because we can’t deal with something now and would rather deal with it later (“I can’t talk about this right now”). Then there are times when we lie to make other people feel better about themselves (“You look great in that bowtie!”) And others where we lie to make ourselves feel better (“I’m only going to have one piece of cake and then I’m going to cut out sugar from my diet forever.”) So clearly the whole, “No lying” rule that is drilled into us by society and, sometimes, our families, is more of a guideline. Except when it comes to sex?
Most everyone will say that you shouldn’t lie when it comes to sex. I mean, then things just get dangerous, right? If somebody says they’re clean but a week later you find out that you’ve contracted chlamydia, that’s a pretty unforgivable thing to do to a person. Right? So there’s absolutely merit to not lying about your sexual health. But is it okay to lie about your sexual history?
Being a virgin can bring up a lot of emotional vulnerability. And the older you are, the longer that virginity remains intact, the more embarrassed, ashamed, or uncomfortable a lot of people become about not having lost it. Now, I’m talking about people who ARE NOT VIRGINS BY THEIR CHOICE. If you’ve chosen to save yourself then it might be a bit of a different emotional situation. Your virginity has not always been the result of other people’s rejections.
When I got to college with my V card, I used to joke that I was a virgin by choice, just not my choice. I would make that joke whenever the subject came up because I was embarrassed. I never lied about my virginity. Even when I could legally drink and yet all the alcohol in the world couldn’t seem to help me facilitate losing my virgin status. I was so ashamed and embarrassed to be a 21 year-old male virgin that I actually contemplated looking into procuring the services of a sex worker. And my therapist was actually willing to help me do this. Then came the fateful night.
We were friends. She’d just broken up with her fiancé. I came over to be a shoulder to cry on. THAT’S ALL! I SWEAR. I had given up any semblance of hope that this amazing woman would ever be sexually attracted to me (probably the kind of attitude that kept that V card in my pants longer than I wanted it to be there). Suddenly, there’s alcohol. THAT SHE BROUGHT OUT! Then she jumped me. While we were watching “Batman: The Animated Series.” I brought the Batman, she provided the booze. Somehow this combination actually got me laid. Now, though we know how the story ends, the part of it that I am ashamed of to this day is that I lied, bold face, about being a virgin. I told her I had lost it about a year earlier to a girl named Lieslot whom I’d met in Barcelona (I had met a girl named Lieslot when I was in Barcelona while I was studying abroad, and we’d even decided to go out after meeting at a club but she stood me up). Now I lied because I knew she wasn’t a virgin. I lied because I thought she’d withdraw this incredibly generous sexual offer if she found out I was a virgin. I lied because I knew that this was going to be a one night, one week if I was lucky, fling. I would be the rebound f*ck. Period. So what was to risk? We had protection. We used it. To the sound of Ra’s Al Ghul laughing maniacally I “became a man.”
Months later we were still dating. It had been just eating away at me (not that much because I hadn’t told her in all those months, had I?). But I saw a future with her so I came clean and confessed. Then she CONFIRMED EVERYTHING THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I NEEDED TO LIE IN THE FIRST PLACE! She wouldn’t have gone through having sex with me. It wouldn’t have been the mindblowing night that it turned out to be and that got me a second “date” and thus lead to what was a long-term relationship. So that gets me wondering, is it okay to lie if the lie is justified?
I mean there’s a stigma about being a virgin. It is usually a big turnoff to be a virgin after 20. People do start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. It’s not right but it is the way it is. Also, there’s this stupid idea that being someone’s first makes you responsible for their sexual health and history for the rest of this person’s life. Which is asinine but some think they are that important. Others will lie that they are a virgin even when they aren’t. And they do it because they’re unhappy with how that first encounter went. They want a do-over for one reason or another. Biologically though they have lost their virginity. However, if it was by, in an extreme case, an act of rape then shouldn’t this person be entitled to reclaim their virginity or are they going to always be forced to divulge that painful part of their life to someone they meet at a bar?
I think that we’ve concluded the following: It’s okay to lie about being a virgin if you see no future beyond the one sexual encounter, and you’re using protection. It’s okay to lie about not being a virgin if your virginity was taken from you without your consent. Otherwise, you’re rewriting history to suit your own needs and to stroke the egos of potential partners? Is that the way it is?
You don’t want to be rejected for being a virgin. You don’t want to feel ashamed about that. You shouldn’t be ashamed about it but we’re not talking about ideals, we’re talking about realities. Lying about your virginity is absolutely a risk. Like all lying carries risk. Once the lie’s revealed, as most are, you’ve endangered a level of trust. Lying can be poison. It’s a temporary band-aid we try to pretend is helping when usually it’s just preventing a mess we will have to clean up eventually. BUT! Whether a lie is acceptable’s going to be on a case by case basis.
A little lie did not hurt me, personally. It enabled the best relationship of my life to get started. I just didn’t lie thinking I was getting that relationship out of it. I lied for selfish reasons. As we all do when we tell lies. Would I do it again? I’d like to think I wouldn’t but it doesn’t really matter. All that matters are the choices we make in the moment. I made the decision. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I don’t.
There are circumstances where lying won’t hurt you or the other person at the time. There are times when the lie will protect you. Now, I’m not endorsing lying. I’m just saying it’s impossible to give a blanket statement to never lie about anything ever. Every lie is not created equal. We shouldn’t condemn someone for lying about their virginity until we have all the facts and factor in the variables. Don’t judge lest ye be judged, right? Think about your day, your week, and try to count all the half-truths you’ve told to friends, telemarketers, family, or the mirror. So is it okay to lie about your sexual history? If it’s not at the expense of someone else, if you’re not physically endangering another person, if you are protecting yourself, if you are doing it without malicious intent-IF ALL THESE “IF’S” COINICIDE as they did for me on that fateful night, then yes. It’s okay to lie about your virginity.
(Cue BTAS theme song!)
The Dude

Real People Trying Cosmo's Sex Positions Is Everything
Real People Trying Cosmo's Sex Positions Is Everything
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